Diary Entry 257. "Prayer Request" ( A Personal Entry from your Host)

[00:00:00] Hello, diary listeners. Happy Tuesday. Pardon if you hear the sounds of Reisterstown Road outside my window. It's just too nice of a day for me to close the house up. We want to get some fresh air circulating. So today's podcast, I'm titling Prayer Request, because that's pretty much the long and short of this whole podcast today.

[00:00:30] Welcome to The Apprenticeship Diaries, where raw meets refined. Let's be real, we're still working on refined. What it took, what it takes, and the stories that are made. Join us as we learn from professionals about how their stories begin. I'm really stressed out, listeners. Like, really stressed out.

[00:01:00] I have so many projects that I've started that I haven't finished, and I'm feeling the way I've felt before in my life. You know, many times where I just wanted to run away. My patience is super short right now. I don't have much. I'm finding it very hard to joke and be jovial.

[00:01:29] I know I have a lot of blessings. By the way, I hope everyone had an amazing Resurrection Day. He is risen. He is risen indeed. And I am very happy about that. And when I... It does help me very greatly to think about what kind of suffering Christ felt on the cross for all of us.

[00:01:56] And to do an audit of my life in short and realize what was what was paid for there and what he didn't do you know, that he paid for, that he sacrificed for. So that's humbling. And I... There's just many things, guys. I... I... I... I... I guess I just

[00:02:26] want prayers or I'm gonna ask for prayers that y'all keep me sane throughout this and ticking off boxes and having energy. I'm feeling the same heat that I felt when I was starting to tattoo like embarking on that and I know how much time, effort and dedication was there.

[00:02:56] Um... I know what what it produced in me as far as my patience and my ability to juggle. Um... I get annoyed very quickly guys. Um... And I just feel like I have things being chucked at my head every second and it can be just something as little as hey, I'm gonna go over here.

[00:03:26] Anything that I really don't need to hear I don't wanna hear right now. Like, that's how I feel. Um... I'm on a... I'm on a short trigger right now. And, um... I just need prayers to help me breathe through this discomfort and, uh... realize that everything's fine. Everything will be fine. Um... It'll all happen.

[00:03:55] I think I just need to say it. Honestly. Um... I'm... I feel continually stymied by... Uh... I'm not even sure what. I... I feel like it's... It kinda makes me laugh because they say that the more you walk towards God the more the evil forces will mess with you and I... And I do.

[00:04:24] I feel like... I feel like the clearer I get as a communicator the more I... I must be speaking this whole other thing because I... I feel like it just isn't getting through with the majority of people or it just... Like, I... I don't know. And maybe that's just my life lately. I'm probably just annoyed. It's probably just that.

[00:04:54] And I... I can honestly say that there's a depression right now that I loathe and I recognize it. It's definitely there. And it's a bummer. It's a bummer. Um... You know, the want to stay in my bed is very much so there. And I... And I know how much I have to finish. I mean, even just right now I'm looking at a book that I was given.

[00:05:25] It's called Your Brain on Art by, uh... Susan Magsiman? Magsiman? And Ivy Ross? And it was a wonderful book given to me by my friend Neil at church. Um... He also gave me a whole other book that was about how... Essentially how to master lesson planning because he heard that I was going to be teaching.

[00:05:54] And both of these books I haven't been able to crack open not in the slightest and even if I had it would be in between so many other things that I am trying to digest right now. Um... Somehow even despite saying I'm not the leader I just really want everybody to participate. You know? I'm taking an accounting class

[00:06:24] and you know I was asked to be in a study group and it's like pulling... It's like pulling teeth people. I don't really understand why a text message that tries and attempts to coordinate everything just doesn't doesn't seem to work. And you know you you you can't get just an answer.

[00:06:53] And I understand people are doing a million things and they'll get back to you. But there's like utter silence texts at times where I'm like what on earth? Because I can tell you guys I didn't need the study group. I was asked if we could have a study group. I was fine with that. But I always get put in these positions and it's probably just because I care. You know? like

[00:07:22] I care enough to actually dive into things and really prioritize things. And I guess I just always end up being this lead in things. And I I swear to God I actively said I am not the leader to this group of girls. And in class it was said that I'm the leader and I'm like what? No.

[00:07:51] No, no, no, no, no. No. No. I have the Zoom account. I'm able to set it up. I am fine with doing little tiny things that help facilitate but I am not the leader. We are all classmates. I am not even as able to comment on

[00:08:21] the information as a few of our other girls who really work in finance like where they work in an office one of them I am just somebody who is studious and if I'm told to do something I do it that's all

[00:08:51] like I do it to the best of my abilities I might be wrong but I'm willing to study with people and to do things together with people when it comes down to it but I always and I think it's just because I care and see this is the reason why I dream like I fantasize about

[00:09:21] like a job at Home Depot like just a job that I know I would be amazing at I mean even just as an accountant like a bookkeeper I know I'd be good at that job I know I'd great at that job I'd be good at a lot of jobs and I fantasize about working for someone else and just doing my work and not talking to anybody and it just seems

[00:09:51] so lovely and then yet I know I can't do it I know that's not my role I know it's impossible for me to live that life because every single job even if I've worked for other people and companies and stuff I always get put in these leadership roles or encouraged to go after leadership training

[00:10:21] and positions and all of this and I'm trying real hard guys to embrace it and to juggle it and to manage it and to breathe through it I don't know how people do it with children I really don't I I'm I'm feeling like I'm at my like tear my hair out kind of thing I feel like I'm not on top of anything right now um at all and that you know they say you know you not even

[00:10:51] my usual stuff is working like listening to affirmative stuff which by the way it doesn't help that half of the podcasts that I listen to are off on Easter break and they deserve that they deserve time with their families they do have families they do work hard I

[00:11:25] do I should read the Bible more I should pray for me to do that for sure so amongst your brain on art and the Bible and the book on lesson planning I just spent my whole morning well afternoon really helping my dad with an auction site because we're selling our salon basically all the interior

[00:11:55] equipment he's trying to unload it and you know it's worth money we're trying to figure out the best way I spent another day helping him get it on eBay only to have him be like well I don't like this option we're gonna put it on this whole other site so now we're doing that and figuring that out and when I say we it's mostly

[00:12:25] me I mean he needs to be able to keep up with it and manage it once it's set up but you know I have to pretty much a dead

[00:12:55] and they always stood for when I was in a bad relationship I'd see a lot of dead birds knock on wood I have not seen any dead birds yet and I pray I don't but they're really about you know the lows and the highs of my life and just trying to stay level

[00:13:24] trying to breathe through the discomfort it's been it's been trying even at church I stayed last time because it was Easter and I think I stayed the time before but the time before that I couldn't even stay for fellowship I was so tired and so

[00:13:54] barely getting through and I felt awful because everybody at the church had found out that I was assuming my parents commercial space the salon which by the way I've kind of alluded to it and talked about it and shared some excitement with fellow creatives that this space might be able to help them as well but I

[00:14:24] was basically offered a commercial building by my parents I have to cover all of the costs of it they own the building but it's an old building and there's a lot of you know you have to pay the taxes you have to pay the energy bills you have to pay the water you have to pay you know there's a it's a big property too it's not a little property it's big it's a tremendous gift and I

[00:14:54] need all the prayers I can get to turn this into something incredible and I have an idea of how I want to go about this in certain ways but I want to them around the place and ask them what would you do here maybe have a planning party or something like that just invite

[00:15:23] them feed them have them walk around the place once we empty it out a bit and tell me what they think tell me what they envision there because I really want it to be a space that's not just mine because it's never been just mine nothing in my life is just mine not even the art it's such a tremendous gift and I want it to expand and I want it to be as much as it can be

[00:15:54] and I I'd like some insights from my friends and you know we'll see what happens I mean I I just don't know I don't I don't know how to organize this I don't know what to do in the meantime it's just a matter of getting the space cleared out

[00:16:32] I I I don't see anybody really doing my father I don't think is interested in that either so you know it's it's a big thing but anyway that's a big announcement but even at church people found out about it and they were congratulating me and it was so hard for me to just smile and accept that congratulations because it

[00:17:02] and I'm trying not to be a brat I'm trying not to think about all the work I have to do I mean Rico and I just spent two days getting the front of the lawn looking decent and when you know today I come in and the county is digging up the lawn in front of our building just digging it up because they gotta lay some

[00:17:32] electrical blah blah blah and it's incredible how I do think it's some kind of force that's messing with me right now it must be it must be and I must be in need of just cutting more and more things out and just saying you I'm not dealing with it I can't I mean really that's where

[00:18:02] I'm at is like I just I'm not mad at anyone or anything there's nothing to be mad about I'm just I'm very very very fried so prayers for that a a a a friend of our church passed away this this week passed so his name is David

[00:18:32] if people could give prayers to David's family he was quite important in our in our world because he helped us take care of the property and so to the property owner the loss beyond just the friendship which they were close on a friend level but the amount of things that this man did on the property that I'm not even sure if the property owner knows what he did he's scared so

[00:19:02] prayers for Mike Michael the property owner he's beyond grieving right now he's he's kind of you know panicked a bit because he doesn't know he doesn't know what he doesn't know you know that's the thing when you delegate out responsibility to people when when you lose them it's quite the rift in in

[00:19:32] everything but it's a normal part of life so you know people manage it all the time it just it's incredible to me how every little thing requires so much paperwork so much extra crap that really from what I see makes makes people just awful

[00:20:01] towards each other really awful for example I got a violation it was like within the past couple weeks because I had Erica on the show and I didn't have room to personally get mad or express anything but my HOA gave me a violation for a ladder that's literally been there for I know over 10 years and it's not a bad

[00:20:31] looking ladder it's a good looking ladder it's just a ladder it happens to be like this orangish red so it's not like it blends but it's a ladder and it was secured in my house and it's like I said it's been there forever we had a new property management company that took over last year like September of last year and so my whole thing is why am I house folks is like the

[00:21:01] opening of our community that's why you can get all these nice melodic sounds of the road right outside this window along with a few birds but for the most part it's a lot of road sounds people revving their engines and stuff so I'm like right on the you you you can see the

[00:21:31] whole thing as you just drive by because the rest of it's attached to another house so you could literally see the whole outside and so my whole thing was like why why now and they had expressed this term unsightly it's unsightly but then they never they never define that you know it's like one of like legal jargon

[00:22:01] that that says within reason or reasonably what the hell does that mean same with unsightly it's it's semantics and so I wanted them to define what unsightly meant but when I confronted a person about it at the company and this is what I'm getting to I told them I said you know it's not that I'm I'm looking to not fix your issue I would like to understand how you

[00:22:31] come to these estimations when you come to them because this ladder has been up this ladder has been up there for about 10 years I get it that you're a new property management company but you've been new since September of last year so you know why now why why are we talking about my unsightly ladder now and what defines unsightly because I would like to know because at the time that I was being cited this violation

[00:23:00] right across the street almost all of my neighbors hadn't mowed their lawns and it was quite unsightly not to mention they just put up this very unsightly I think it's a Verizon box right on the corner of my property I mean it's not my property it's community property it's like this strip that goes around that's communal but it's on my property it's on my corner it's right in front of my house I understand that they

[00:23:29] can't really dictate these things but it's unsightly it's god awful ugly um there's just so many things folks that have been really irritating me lately but nevertheless I told this lady listen I want you to define unsightly for me because I think it's valuable to know you're interpreting uh

[00:23:58] a bylaw a law and nothing that you cited me at least in this violation that you sent me spells out how this applies to my ladder so this seems like a very subjective call and I need to know my boundaries about that and I need to know that this isn't going to be something that this property management company or this HOA

[00:24:28] uses as just a bulk term to harass me if it feels like it you know like it that is that is like ambiguous see what I'm saying folks like I said I'm sorry that I'm not blocking my my window from all of that but it is it is rather upsetting that people have to rev their engines so unbelievably loud for whatever

[00:24:57] reason anyway um see my patience my frustrations but I told her I was like you know I can look across the street right now and mark about five or six different things that I consider unsightly about my neighbors and see that's what all of this nonsense is meant to make us do I feel is to war with

[00:25:27] each other instead of love each other and to not you know take the time to really be charitable to one another to talk to one another to ask of each other to just have simple conversations that you know wouldn't wouldn't affect anything and when it comes to my neighbors I don't care you know like I only care if I'm getting a violation for something that's unsightly well then

[00:25:57] I'm like well what defines unsightly which is why I wanted the people who interpreted that law to tell me what their definition is they didn't from what I understand they apologized which is an odd move um I I I don't I don't I don't know what that we had we had already moved the damn ladder it's fine but like I still like

[00:26:26] if you're going to send me a violation they said it was semantics they did they did say that it was like not a big deal and like which is an odd an odd admission honestly um from you know a group of people who are kept with facilitating order in a community um I'm sure they contract

[00:26:56] out people to drive by the homes and take pictures and and characterize things I'm sure that there wasn't like I'm sure there's a process to which these things have to go through in order for them to then be sent to me finally I don't know I don't know how they operate but for for it all to kind of come down to fix this we're going to send you like three

[00:27:28] until we find you and then because I contact them just to to get in writing what they mean by unsightly they back down and apologize I I

[00:27:58] had sighted but I wanted to know what they meant by unsightly because that's that's the thing peeps like I feel like I'm communicating I feel

[00:28:28] not not not only am I over explaining but it's just yeah yeah I I I just don't understand and I guess that's why I'm I'm kind of like in this weird I don't know I'm just in a weird head space right now I need prayers because I I need to not explode I don't want to take it out on my husband I don't want to take

[00:29:00] it out on my clients I plan to never take it out on them I am not attracted to tattooing others by hurting people that is like the least thing that I want to do that's the other thing I have a very challenging tattoo coming up that I I be lying if I said I wasn't you know

[00:29:30] kind of on pins and needles about symmetry man people want symmetry on asymmetrical bodies there's just not bodies that are symmetrical we're not made symmetrical so to put a symmetrical design it you've really gotta know how to plot things out really well I'm just gonna breathe through

[00:30:00] it folks I'm gonna breathe through it I'm gonna get through it it's gonna be fine I'm gonna take my time I'm gonna do all the things that one could do to make sure that shit is gonna be right that's what's gonna happen that's what's gonna happen yep um as far as um

[00:30:31] everyone in general the prayer that I have most is that people start turning more and more to God I'm giving it to God I'm I am I'm asking God all the time I'm trying to wake up with gratitude even though I want to go back to sleep and I'm just sitting there dreading getting out of bed and starting the day um I'm

[00:31:01] I'm I think I thank God for my breath for my ability to move for my my cats that are still alive and annoying me to get up so they can eat um for being able to hear all the nonsense that's revving their engines outside for for it all and I try to go to bed with gratitude and I'm lucky that I follow a lot of people online

[00:31:31] that do nothing but post Bible verses and so I'm invested in the Bible even if I don't make a direct move to do so for myself even though I should I'm so blessed that both of my parents are still here that's such a rare gift and they're both healthy I mean any moment folks my life

[00:32:01] could become so much more heinous and awful and I'm really trying desperately trying to think that way instead of all the things that I know you know that I want to do that I'm not able to do and that I have to just one day at a time and find the energy for so I guess I'm praying for strength praying for energy

[00:32:32] praying for good outlook praying for my body to keep up with all the demands it's been hurting a lot folks and I honestly have been giving in to a lot of terrible food too so I guess prayers for restraint prayers

[00:33:02] for all the people that are out there suffering and sick and grappling with things people seeking diagnoses that they're unaware of or they know something's wrong but they're just not getting answers I know how tiring that can be I have had brief moments in my life for that it's very frustrating and there just isn't any energy and the way our system is right now it's

[00:33:30] so awful trying to just stay on top of your health and manage all the appointments and all of the conversations you have to have and all the different things so prayers prayers for that prayers for my my extended family I had a wonderful time at

[00:34:00] Easter dinner tonight or last night was it last night no Sunday night Sunday night it was quite the spread it was beautiful I was surrounded by amazing people and great food very grateful and then in Virginia Rico's mother and stepfather I send prayers and love to them

[00:34:29] his brother and his soon-to-be sister-in-law his nephew his nieces his other siblings he has a few I was blessed to meet a few of them not too long ago in Virginia prayers for all of them and their their struggles and in what they have to do in life

[00:34:55] I want us all to conquer whatever nasty evil things are poking at us right now and triumph I'm gonna turn to God but if all of you who are listening to this however many could just say a

[00:35:24] prayer for me that I stay sane don't lose it keep my head about me and focus focus I'm gonna take baby steps I'm gonna breathe and I'm going to try to smile as much as I can right now

[00:35:54] and I'm gonna just ignore all the books that I have and that I want to read and just get through what I need to one moment day at a time all right everybody that's a wrap for this podcast this is a short one but I gotta go because I gotta get ready for my my accounting class

[00:36:24] yay I love you listeners prayers for all of you and blessings to all of you thank you so much you're all gifts you're all magical and wonderful and and just I'm I'm in such awe of your listening time so I really appreciate that God bless you all catch you next week hopefully I'll have an interview but if not it'll just be me rambling again I love you listeners

[00:36:53] later make it powerful thanks for listening you can find the apprenticeship diaries on twitter facebook and instagram our ig is the underscore apprenticeship underscore diaries if you would like to offer constructive criticism or an interview drop us an email at theapprenticeshipdiaries at gmail.com we look forward to hearing from our listeners cheers