Ep. 206 "Hope" (A personal entry from your host)

[00:00:00] Happy Tuesday diary listeners. Oh man, so this is going to be a personal entry. I really need it this week guys.

[00:00:15] I'm calling this one Hope because I need to maintain hope. Welcome to the Apprenticeship Diaries where raw needs were fine.

[00:00:29] Let's be real, we're still working on the finance. What it took, what it takes and the stories that are made. Join us as we learn from professionals about how their story is beginning.

[00:00:39] The last week was a really great, at least I thought it was great. Reflection on the movie Cabrini which I still recommend people go see.

[00:00:54] I've come to the realization that it might not be the sparkling film that I thought it was. And perhaps it just hit me that way and that's okay.

[00:01:09] I still want people to go see it and I will take the hit that it might not be as epic to some people as it is to me. Though I have shared it with a few people now and I'd say that overall my feelings about it are pretty consistent. There's a few people that do not agree.

[00:01:30] Which is, you know, it's, it's a. Sorry, that's my cat in the background sneezing. It's been an interesting few weeks honestly listeners. I will, I'm going to admit some things I've been very, I've been depressed for a long time.

[00:01:53] Struggling with what's next in life really trying to fair it out. I mean, if you've been listening to this podcast at any length of time then you know if this isn't, this isn't new to hear.

[00:02:06] My hope is that it's refreshing for people to hear that you can get this far in life and like seriously not know what's next.

[00:02:19] And it's very frustrating because I genuinely care. I like, I genuinely care to do the right thing.

[00:02:33] And you know, you can tell people over and over and over again that no matter what you choose will be the right thing.

[00:02:41] But it's, you know, I guess when you're conscious of time, that maybe that's the problem is that there's too much consciousness of time.

[00:02:54] And there is something that happens I think when you're 40. That is significant.

[00:02:59] And that is, you know, there's no excuse to mess around anymore and maybe that's what it is that I've been grappling with is just kind of looking at my life and knowing that these are important years.

[00:03:16] And then I, I should do right by them and that I should invoke some things that are necessary.

[00:03:29] But I'm, I'm really struggling guys to know what that is.

[00:03:34] I'm not going to blast her out but I am so grateful for her giving me space and asking me these questions because they were significant.

[00:03:55] And she kind of probed me about my spirituality and asked me about it.

[00:04:02] And I think it's important to share it with you guys here. She had asked, you know, what has your spirituality, you know, your faith done for you?

[00:04:13] Like has it made you more patient with people? How has it affected your relationships with other people?

[00:04:24] And it was awesome because I mean you guys know how much I like to talk.

[00:04:31] It made me really pause because, you know, the things that she was pointing out were all very positive things.

[00:04:44] You know, I think that when people think about faith they want, you know, they want more patience.

[00:04:53] They want more mastery, more control, more competency. But I guess what I have to report to you guys is that, I don't have those things.

[00:05:14] And I don't know if I ever had them. I think what I had before was kind of a blind confidence and just a lot of devil-make-air kind of attitude, kind of thing like, I don't even know if I'm using that euphemism correctly.

[00:05:35] I just had a lot of like, what does it matter kind of thing? And I think there's this perceptibility that there's a lot of strength in this attitude that doesn't give a shit.

[00:05:50] There's not. There's not. It's actually the opposite.

[00:06:00] You really just don't care. And so you free yourself of a lot of things that a lot of people do care about.

[00:06:10] And within that ability to turn things off and not care about them, you are given the ability to care about things that most people are not able to care about.

[00:06:26] And I don't think that that's.

[00:06:32] I just think that we have only so much of capacity to take in and care about so much at so many times, you know, that that's how it is.

[00:06:43] And we have to be very decisive about what we care about because we can't take it all in. We're not made for that.

[00:06:54] So when it comes down to this question of what my faith has done for me, what it's done is given me the awareness of my own capacity.

[00:07:08] And in terms of other people, no, it hasn't increased my patience. In fact, it has given me quite a bit of an awareness about how little patience I actually have with other people.

[00:07:26] I thought I was a patient person, but I'm not actually.

[00:07:31] I get very frustrated with people very quickly and I've realized that I very much so want the things that I care about to do what other people care about.

[00:07:43] And I wish very badly that I could just be like a puppet master in their life and seize control of them and do everything for them.

[00:07:53] And then that would make life so much better and easier for me.

[00:07:58] So I don't think that that has increased my patience. Now what it has done, I think is very important which has made me very conscious of who I am and what I am and how much judgment I should be able to have in lieu of other people.

[00:08:24] Which is pretty great because I always have this attitude about me if it couldn't really affect me then whatever do what you want.

[00:08:43] And I still kind of have that because I can't do anything else but that, you know, like I can't I can't make anyone do anything.

[00:08:56] I can only just set boundaries and things for myself.

[00:09:02] So I think what I've really been grappling with is setting boundaries that are really important and finally getting to that in my life.

[00:09:12] I've struggled with them my whole life, but they've really, really, really been the thing that I'm grappling and it sucks terribly because I hate it guys.

[00:09:27] I hate it so much. It like bothers me to like the point of tears how much I hate boundaries and how necessary they are and it's such a childish way to feel.

[00:09:44] It's like, you know, I'm given this awesome life and all this ability to play this game.

[00:09:58] You know, but I'm sitting here and I'm just mad about the rules.

[00:10:02] I'm mad that I have to adhere to the way things are. You know, and so childish but here I am mad about it.

[00:10:17] And all I want is just to be above it and it's such a lack of gratitude.

[00:10:26] And I don't even know if I'm explaining it correctly, but it's it is true. It's how I feel and it's what I'm grappling with.

[00:10:35] And so recently in terms of my faith, what my faith has given me which is such a blessing is a prescript for how to set boundaries lovingly.

[00:10:54] And it's so hard guys. It's so hard to you know, like adopt because with each person it's it's the boundaries of the same but the technique and how to set them and how to maneuver it is per the person and to do so lovingly and with care and concern and with the with the right touch.

[00:11:23] And you're left just thinking, God did I do the right thing? Did I do the right thing because I do care and I do love this person. But I'm so limited.

[00:11:40] And so a lot of my journey lately guys has been I guess letting go of a lot of things and morning, a lot of things.

[00:11:56] Putting my heart break and feeling it and not moving out of that discomfort quickly.

[00:12:07] I mean, I did but I didn't in a lot of ways.

[00:12:14] And there's been so much, um, thrown at me and I feel so ashamed that I'm I just feel like I'm a mess.

[00:12:31] I'm a mess guys. I'm a mess.

[00:12:37] And in some way it's like, I'm so I'm very morning.

[00:12:45] I don't know if anybody else feels that way still since COVID like there's this intense grief

[00:12:54] that I'm experiencing.

[00:12:59] And it's not to any one person though there are people now that I'm morning and I'll get to that.

[00:13:07] But it's this intense grieving that I can only relate to in terms of, then I hope she doesn't mind

[00:13:21] to know who she is. I'm not going to mention her name but she lost her daughter very young to cancer.

[00:13:32] And I think about how she felt and what she communicated to me when we were, you know, tattooing.

[00:13:42] And just listen to her and the escape that she wanted to have, the running that she wanted to do.

[00:13:57] The fact that she would just get so angry at people who didn't know, who didn't know what she personally was going through the fact that she had lost someone so amazing.

[00:14:17] And that Jesus bartender still is and to have to go back and serve alcohol to people who are there for any number of reasons, but to serve them alcohol, to serve in general.

[00:14:33] And just be angry.

[00:14:38] Be angry that everything has to continue, that she has to continue when someone that she loved more than anything is gone.

[00:14:52] And there's nothing she can do about it except for continue.

[00:15:03] It's how I feel even though I didn't have the same thing happen,

[00:15:12] and that I have to meet with each client and be there for them and show up for them and park everything else that's happening.

[00:15:29] And just serve.

[00:15:33] I used to do it so easily.

[00:15:43] And it's hard right now guys. It's hard right now.

[00:15:49] Because I want to run, I want to give up so badly.

[00:15:57] And I've given up a lot in my life.

[00:16:01] I have said screw it before.

[00:16:05] And like I said, I've gotten away with it because I was younger and because you could say, well that's what kids do.

[00:16:19] You know they say screw it and they take off and they start a new and they keep moving.

[00:16:29] Well, when you hit 40, you're kind of know.

[00:16:35] At least the very least if you've said screw it enough up until you're 40, then you know that you can't continue to do that.

[00:16:51] I've involved too many people. I've set too many goals. I've made too many promises and I can't do it anymore.

[00:16:59] There's no excuse to fail even though I feel like I'm failing.

[00:17:08] There's none.

[00:17:14] And I'm reminded of what I said to my apprentice when she was going to Australia.

[00:17:22] Just like what if I fail?

[00:17:25] And I said, what does that even look like?

[00:17:29] And these are the things that I have to say to myself now.

[00:17:34] What do you mean you're failing?

[00:17:38] I just feel like I am. I just feel like I am.

[00:17:48] And I hate it.

[00:17:49] I hate it.

[00:17:55] So what is my faith given me? It's given me a lot of questions.

[00:18:04] It's given me a lot of grief that I didn't have before.

[00:18:17] It's given me an awareness that I didn't have before and it sucks ass to have.

[00:18:28] But I think it's really good because I think that if I had continued to go down the other path any longer,

[00:18:44] the fall would have been worse.

[00:18:48] And what I mean is that building upon a bad foundation of just completely not taking in certain things

[00:19:09] and rising in this very ignorant and just unaware way.

[00:19:27] It's bound for fall. There's so much pride there.

[00:19:32] And so much self assurance that is bound for a crash bound for it.

[00:19:47] Now I'm talking about my 40s because that's where I'm at but I just took a friend of mine out for her 60th.

[00:19:57] And we had a great day. It was an awesome day.

[00:20:02] I'm so happy I was able to celebrate with her.

[00:20:06] We just had a very simple time. We went out for sushi and she's at a different phase where more than likely

[00:20:15] that we had to spend our time spending there isn't miraculous things ahead that allow us to expand our life expectancy to this.

[00:20:22] She has more years behind her than she has ahead of her now.

[00:20:28] And that's I can't, you know, I'm not there yet.

[00:20:33] I'm halfway. You know, because our life expectancy at this point is 80. It's around that.

[00:20:40] So for me now, you know, you grapple the whole while I'm halfway through, what do you do for the next half of this shit?

[00:20:55] But with her, I'm more than halfway through. And what now?

[00:21:03] And I was thinking the whole time I was around her. I was thinking to myself like, wow, you know,

[00:21:10] how if it will I be then? How much will I be grieving then?

[00:21:19] And I don't know. You should think to yourself, you know, look at people who have 20 years on you and go, wow,

[00:21:31] you're not grateful that you made it this far and you kind of think into yourself, you know,

[00:21:37] should I have done more? Should I be further along? You know, like all these questions and it's so interesting.

[00:21:44] And it's kind of why I like having friends that are older than me at this point to kind of look at into

[00:21:51] and I'm so grateful that I have their honesty, their truth and their ability to, you know,

[00:22:00] look at life and hear from them, you know, all the things that they think and feel.

[00:22:09] Now this friend, I'm not going to divulge her until she's on the podcast and we did express, you know,

[00:22:15] I want to do that. So I'll introduce her when the time is right.

[00:22:21] But you know, hers is a whole other perspective and recently I had a friend who I kind of talked a little bit about on the show already

[00:22:35] and that I've shared with you guys in different ways, commit suicide and that is determined now.

[00:22:44] And he was around my friend's age who just turned 60, he was about to be there.

[00:22:52] He was I think 58, he was either 57 or 58 and I, you know, she's been on the show John Simmons

[00:23:06] and they recently on St. Patty's Day, who by the way I have said that he's Italian, he wasn't, he was English.

[00:23:18] I'm just going to clear the record right now.

[00:23:22] I could be honored in a technicality. He was one Italian property, Roman property that had been conquered but he was English

[00:23:36] and his family had been basically slaughtered as a, you know, like a battle innocently enough by raiders who were in conflict with Rome.

[00:23:55] The, you know, the, the, the Celts. But he was in fact English by origin and by, by blood.

[00:24:06] So I just wanted to clear that out real quick. And I feel like that's important because John is English

[00:24:13] and I think it's very interesting that all of these scenes kind of collided in an awareness he was found on St. Patty's Day.

[00:24:24] That's when his body was located at Wurgen Ridge. And you know, God guys, what, what an interesting just, I mean, John,

[00:24:42] it kind of makes me laugh because if anything, you are freaking interesting, dude. You always were as far I loved you and wouldn't your death just be so unbelievably the same.

[00:24:55] Oh, God.

[00:25:00] And it's just the fact that, you know, we, there were so many things like he went missing that in itself was odd.

[00:25:10] Rico was convinced that he wasn't dead. He was convinced that John was way too vain to kill himself that he, that he wouldn't have done that and that, you know, he, he was convinced that a European would be more likely to just take off.

[00:25:29] And go to another country and it was based a lot on, on Rico's own experience with, with Europeans and being directly related to Europeans.

[00:25:43] So he had in his mind that there was no way that John had killed himself.

[00:25:48] And now I was just upset, you know, like, you're just upset because either way, you know, this person ran.

[00:26:01] You know, and I'm in this place where I feel like running to and so you look at certain people in your life and you think, my God, no, they would never do that.

[00:26:16] And it was such a blind side because I was like, you would never do that.

[00:26:21] And he did and he was doing so good guys and that's something that I want.

[00:26:27] I guess I want to tell you, like I feel very necessary to tell you.

[00:26:37] I'm so grateful for the people at church too.

[00:26:43] Because it's not at our lowest that we do these things.

[00:26:51] It's when we're working really hard and we're really trying that we give up, that we're not getting what we want out of it.

[00:27:05] And how unbelievably crazy is it for us to expect or want anything and not look around as I've been trying to like say to you guys, not look around and just be grateful.

[00:27:21] And so when I looked at my friend John, I saw somebody who had so much together.

[00:27:27] I knew he had demons. I knew he had issues. I mean, Christ sake, we all do.

[00:27:34] But I never in a million years thought that he would do that. I just didn't.

[00:27:41] I just was like, wow man, like he was doing so much. I was so excited for him.

[00:27:49] And I was, you know enough to like put him on the podcast and I'm so grateful for that podcast.

[00:27:59] I have listened to that two-parter a few times now especially when he was missing.

[00:28:05] And we were all in this state of just wonder and searching.

[00:28:12] And I say we very, very, very loosely because there is no one that I feel anyway that was searching more than his friend Ashley.

[00:28:25] And I think it's so incredible because you know he had just to tell you guys a little bit about it.

[00:28:34] He had sent out emails of instruction to about 12 people that I've come to understand.

[00:28:42] And I really want to get the logistics of all of this correct as possible but he had sent out all these emails.

[00:28:52] And as I'm thinking about this, I have to contact somebody that I had kind of called on for some assistance.

[00:28:59] I have to reach out to her and tell her about what has happened just so that she, you know, just knows because I had involved her in this in some way.

[00:29:14] Anyway, random stream of conscious and it's back on track but Ashley was one of the people who got an email.

[00:29:23] I didn't get an email and the people that I knew that new John didn't get an email.

[00:29:31] So we were all not a part of the email club and it was funny because Ashley was like you know the email people they were kind of had their own like.

[00:29:42] Club like I said and she she confessed to me at some point that it was like a book club but it was a fucked up book club that nobody wants to be a part of.

[00:29:56] And you know as she said it, I was like wow you know like it was so it's so beautifully purposeful though because.

[00:30:10] It was like she was commissioned as a.

[00:30:15] A soldier, a warrior in John's story.

[00:30:20] And like it was it was kind of awesome that he did that it's messed up and I think that you can look at it in certain ways like why didn't I get an email why wasn't I given this task but.

[00:30:38] Um there's so many questions but.

[00:30:42] I'm so grateful.

[00:30:45] For Ashley and that John sent her an email and gave this commission to her because she didn't give up she kept searching for him she kept hammering she kept asking she was so diligent she searched him out.

[00:31:04] Daily and that's why she got an email is because daily they would trade like meditations and healing things daily they would check in with each other.

[00:31:19] And so I think in some odd way John knew that she would daily look for him and seek him out.

[00:31:36] And she's such a blessing because.

[00:31:40] She kept us all in the know she kept the narrative moving and and and and checked in with it regularly enough and is passionate enough to.

[00:31:52] To care about John in this very specific way that is just so incredible and I'm so like God I.

[00:32:03] This person Ashley I am you know diary listeners that I don't know if any of this is making sense but it you know this is my diary just as much as it is anyone else's and I hope the things that I'm sharing with y'all can matter.

[00:32:20] But I loved and love John so much but I will honestly say guys that.

[00:32:32] I didn't I didn't search for him the way that Ashley searched for him.

[00:32:39] I didn't and I don't have the kind of personhood and intensity of caring and lovingness that she has to seek and be diligent about that.

[00:32:55] I just didn't I didn't look for him like that.

[00:32:58] I was so grateful for her because she is that kind of person and she did dedicate that kind of time and energy and she didn't boss her ass in that way and I'm so grateful for it because it's what John deserved.

[00:33:17] I mean what a beautiful person and I'm so sad that he did what he did but I'm so happy that I don't know that the he's loved in a way that I feel like.

[00:33:46] He deserved to be loved even though he gave up even though he took a life that was not his to take you know people can have some philosophies about that but.

[00:34:03] This life is gift is a gift and I know that.

[00:34:09] I know that it's not mine.

[00:34:16] It's not and I can run but what would I be running from you know what would I be running from.

[00:34:27] And I don't want to give up and I don't want to do that to anyone else in my life.

[00:34:47] I owe them better and I'm not trying to shame my friend John even at this point.

[00:35:01] It's just so shocking to me you know like it everybody that I show his picture to or that I even when you listen to his podcast.

[00:35:17] I just hope that the people who listen to this podcast can know that you're not alone because there is a guy when you listen to his podcast he says it he says you're not supposed to give up.

[00:35:34] He knows he knows what he's supposed to be doing he knows and he gave up.

[00:35:41] And he made that decision.

[00:35:46] And so however on it you think somebody is however much you might look at somebody and compare your life to them and thank God I'm screwing up.

[00:36:00] None of us got it.

[00:36:02] I just hope you understand that none of us got it.

[00:36:07] None of us have it together we're all fucking messes and it's okay and you're not alone and it's gonna be okay it really will.

[00:36:22] It really will but you need to try.

[00:36:27] You do need to try and you have to keep trying.

[00:36:37] And I really think that John is still trying.

[00:36:48] I don't know why but I know he regrets it.

[00:36:56] I know he I just know I have to have hope at the very least that even when you do something like that that there is room for repentance.

[00:37:14] There's room for regret there's room to keep going because I honestly feel that God loves us and wants us so badly to do the right thing.

[00:37:38] And wants to give us every opportunity to do it.

[00:37:47] And then it takes a very adamant and decisive person aimed at doing the wrong thing to get you utterly cut off in this world I have to believe that I have to believe in that level of justice is like the only thing that I have left.

[00:38:11] Folks is is that kind of justice that's where I'm at right now is what is my faith done for me.

[00:38:23] It's really given me such an immense awareness and it's given me such a...

[00:38:39] I know a level of gravity that is good in the long run because I really want to make good calls and I really want to try.

[00:38:53] And I really want to improve and I like I want so much and I want to believe and I want to make beautiful things in this world.

[00:39:06] And I really want to do it with more than just me. I want I want to figure out how to be a better person.

[00:39:17] So I have to believe in that because otherwise everything is just way too dark and meaningless and empty.

[00:39:32] And I don't want to believe that.

[00:39:35] And if that's what you've determined then I guess, you know, maybe that gives you comfort but it gives me no comfort.

[00:39:46] That gives me no reason to do anything.

[00:39:55] No, I just I just don't want to say sit around and eat cheeseburgers all day.

[00:40:02] Well I guess it was a quote from seven you know what people really want to do is just sit around and eat cheeseburgers.

[00:40:11] It's not enough. It's not enough guys. And we all know it's not enough.

[00:40:17] We all know and it's hard. It's really hard.

[00:40:25] You know somebody I want to shout out that I just thought about is Adelied.

[00:40:31] She's a girl at church that I am very grateful for too. Along with Ashley she was diligent and just so beautiful.

[00:40:46] Adelied has Down syndrome. She was born with Down syndrome and she recently this past year lost her mother to cancer.

[00:40:59] And it's been really rough for her family because you know Adelied lives with her family and deeply needed her mother.

[00:41:12] And they had a great relationship and so the loss of her mother has been very hard.

[00:41:19] And I can't imagine what it's been for her father as well.

[00:41:27] You know he lost his partner and the mother of his children and you know somebody that helped him so much with everything but he has been such a beautiful person to watch.

[00:41:41] But you know Adelied was so wonderful.

[00:41:49] She's such an amazing spirit guys and you know that's what people with different challenges in this world really give to me is such incredible perspective.

[00:42:05] We've always done that. The amount of beauty that they can exude in spirit is just so immense and incredible.

[00:42:18] The level of love that they're able to harness and keep is just overwhelming but obviously Adelied's mother's death was very impactful for her.

[00:42:36] And we would talk about it a lot and I would let her not let her but I would just be a space for her to vent about her mom.

[00:42:46] You can tell it is painful for her family to experience the death of their parent, wife, mother everything.

[00:42:59] Everything over and over again because Adelied is and she's got to talk about it and she's just overwhelmed by it.

[00:43:11] And so when John went missing I was praying, I was asking everything everyone to pray for him because I knew that I was the type of person that just I'm flaky dude.

[00:43:25] Like out of sight, out of mind with me it's not something they try to be like but I you know I just am trying to be a dick but I just don't I don't.

[00:43:36] Probably more normal than I think I am. I don't want to be like that but I'm not going to keep in touch. I'm not that friend that just randomly thinks about you and I'm not I'm so

[00:43:47] in my world and in my head that I just I don't and so regular prayer, regular gratitude, regular submissions, prayer list all these things they've been really hard for me and the only way that I've been able to keep them going is to regularly meet with people who

[00:44:04] ritualistically, repetitiously take prayer requests and submit and commit to prayer regularly. And so

[00:44:15] and I do believe that prayer you know amongst many people it increases the potency of the prayer and

[00:44:25] you know that's why you have fellowship, that's why you have church, that's why you meet regularly, that's why you invest time with God and and

[00:44:34] petitioning to God. At least I have to. And it's been miraculous to do that by the way I recommend it highly diary listeners.

[00:44:47] I've really enjoyed and I guess if you're the type of person you can maybe like Ashley like Adelaide, like you know people that I find at church can

[00:45:00] regularly think to give thanks and have moments of prayer. And you're disciplined enough to do that. Maybe you don't need church but I do.

[00:45:14] I really do. And so I went to church and when all this has happening with John and he had visited my church but I don't

[00:45:21] think anybody really remembered him. And I discovered some incredible things about him when he visited he was about amazing singer.

[00:45:31] He had definitely sung these hymns before and his voice was amazing. I remember thinking wow he's, you've got a good voice.

[00:45:42] Like I knew he had a good speaking voice but he even had a good singing voice like he was so fucking talented. Anyway when he went missing I we have we have moments of

[00:45:58] congregational prayer where we speak prayers amongst the service and we can voice our prayers and ask for everybody to help us pray.

[00:46:09] And so we speak it out loud and I couldn't help it. I you know broke down as I prayed for my friend John and Adelaide noticed and she had not seen me cry like that.

[00:46:26] And so she approached me during fellowship afterwards where we have a meal and she said Amy you know what's wrong? You know what happened.

[00:46:34] And so I told her about John and she said well pray for you. And I'll pray that he's found in every single week afterwards. She asked if John had been found.

[00:46:49] And so you know as hard as it was to confront the fact that he still hadn't been found. He still hadn't been found. He was still missing.

[00:46:59] It was just such a gift to regularly have her speak him and invoke his name and invoke that in my life that it was still there and unresolved and

[00:47:17] to have her care and she said to me she was like Amy I pray for him every night. I pray that your friend John Simmons is found every night.

[00:47:28] And when he was found it was so exciting to be able to tell her that he was found.

[00:47:36] And then it was you know to discuss with her how he was found and what he did.

[00:47:45] But you know with her there was no hesitancy, no conflict. She was like well he's in heaven. He's in heaven now with my mom.

[00:47:54] And I was like he is. He is.

[00:48:01] And she said and she was very upset when Matthew Barry died too. She's my best friend, Chandler Bing.

[00:48:13] And so with all of this you know she's like he's with Chandler.

[00:48:20] Did he is? No he is. I have to have hope. I have to have hope that he is.

[00:48:44] I'm sorry listeners.

[00:48:50] I'm very fortunate to be this far in life and to only now have a friend who

[00:49:13] has done this. You know I've had other friends and even Rico has had friends commit suicide

[00:49:22] and to watch it from the outside. It's so different. It's so different.

[00:49:40] But I'm very grateful that I am this old and have experienced it at this age.

[00:49:51] What I'm not happy about is what my friend John has left behind.

[00:50:03] I remain having prayers for his children knowing that they have to live life with us. That's so young.

[00:50:17] It's and dancin. You know just have hope that it's all right and that's all for the best.

[00:50:34] I hope I can attach it. I think I can make it part of my story even though I think part of it got cut off.

[00:50:44] I'll have to repost it along with this podcast. But it was beautiful and the friend that kind of asked me about my faith.

[00:50:56] She I sent it to her and she said this is great. I love this so much but basically it's a I think it's an AI generated Anthony Hopkins voice and they have him you know read things.

[00:51:13] That are you know quotes for life but there is this one that that is just beautiful and it's all these black and white images and video clips.

[00:51:26] And it's basically you know a human being asking of God you know God please give me patience and God saying no.

[00:51:37] And then God saying what he will give you. And and basically it wraps with the end being God help me love others as you love me.

[00:51:55] And God's like now you get it. You're getting it.

[00:52:03] So that's that's where I'm at listeners. I'm I'm trying to love better. I'm trying to get it. I'm trying to I'm really trying to

[00:52:19] love as God loves and and move now within that awareness. That's very challenging and I I'm going to fail because I'm not God.

[00:52:37] And I'm human and flawed and limited. But I'm learning how to love and how to set boundaries and and Renee Brown puts this very succinctly she's like you know the most compassionate people are people who have really good boundaries they recognize other people's boundaries.

[00:53:06] And they respect them but they also have their own and they expect others to respect them as well.

[00:53:14] And those are the most compassionate people. And I think that's really you know just God's love in a nutshell is that God has endless awareness and compassion with us but he has boundaries because he can't let us be lazy.

[00:53:35] Be little shits. He can't let us you know divert to our base or instincts because it wouldn't make us better. It wouldn't bring us closer to him.

[00:53:50] It would it would keep us exactly where we are and none of us want that all of us want more all of us want you know like even with my friend the other day she bought a lottery ticket and she said how cool would it be if I won the lottery.

[00:54:08] I said I really want that for you. But you know then you have a whole set of questions you know like why.

[00:54:16] What are you not doing that you could do right now without all that money and then what would all that money do to change and it's the same kind of questions that my friend.

[00:54:27] You know asked me like what is your face done for you why you know what were you doing before before your faith you know how how were you towards people all these questions that I'm looking at and I'm being asked to sit.

[00:54:43] In this and it sucks because.

[00:54:49] Because I'm not really doing a lot guys and it feels very I don't know it feels like I'm wasting time but I guess you know it's.

[00:54:58] It's easy to give advice and then not listen to it so I guess.

[00:55:03] I'll share with you guys what I gave to my friend the other day when she was expressing the same thing.

[00:55:09] You know just being angry at yourself that you didn't do more that you had these ideas that you never acted on or that you let balls drop that you're kind of upset that you did and all of it.

[00:55:22] You know because I have that too I've lived long enough now that I definitely understood what she was talking about I just didn't have 20 extra years of that.

[00:55:33] But it's all the same and what I told her was you know I would basically the same thing that I expressed all of you is that if you don't know what to do you don't do anything.

[00:55:49] But it's not right for you to be upset at yourself because you cared enough to want to do the right thing.

[00:55:58] To stop before you did a lot that was bad.

[00:56:05] And now and the only thing that I can I can equivocate this too is my friend expressed me that her sister at one point cut her hair.

[00:56:18] And her mother let her and it was so traumatizing because the haircut kept being uneven and so her sister kept cutting.

[00:56:29] And instead of stopping cutting and just being like okay well maybe I am not suited for this position and maybe I shouldn't keep sacrificing somebody else's hair to my iniquity.

[00:56:46] You know maybe I should pause before I keep cutting her sister kept cutting and it caused so much trauma to my friend that she's like I mean you know I like my hair is really like something that I don't want to cut and I keep it long and it's really hard for me to like let anybody cut it after that.

[00:57:11] And you know it's it's a trauma.

[00:57:15] And when you're at the mercy of somebody else's you know indecision or lack of skill or whatever like that and you didn't know and you were trusting and your trust was utterly smashed in a moment with people that you have to keep encountering in your life.

[00:57:34] It's just really difficult.

[00:57:39] And so I guess what I told my friend when she was talking about just being frustrated herself that she you know didn't do certain things and it feels like so much time wasted.

[00:57:51] You know you kind of got to look at it in what it could have been.

[00:57:54] You know what if it was a bunch of times spent doing things that were really really bad and that even though she might have felt like she did something would invoked ultimately was so awful in terms of like other people and life that you know it would have been better not to do anything.

[00:58:24] It would have been better you know think about it you you did a lot but you are remembered in history as being an absolute tyrant and terrible person.

[00:58:38] You know so is it really that bad to just not if you don't know what's next because the worst thing guys that I feel at this point that 40 has done for me.

[00:58:54] The worst would be if I stood before judgment I stood before critique and somebody asked me why did you make this decision and I look at them and say I don't know.

[00:59:12] I feel like that excuse is good now because I do know and I should know and if I'm gonna make decisions I better know I better know and if I don't know I should be honest I should be honest that I don't know.

[00:59:30] And so that's what this is with all of you guys right now a very honest admission that I am terribly unknowing and then I feel like I'm feeling I've been dropping a lot of balls lately.

[00:59:50] It's just it honestly it's compiling in a way that's really awful feeling.

[00:59:58] And I'm really trying to dig myself out of it guys and it's been rough you know currently right now our family had another thing happen Rico's brothers wife will she will be his wife her father just dropped in.

[01:00:21] And so they had to come up here from Virginia Beach and you know handle all of his affairs she's not alone she has other siblings but she's the lead on this she has a new little baby he's only like a year and a half and.

[01:00:37] So for the first time ever we've had a child in this house which I know sounds crazy because I have a niece and nephews but they've never been here and you know seeing a little being in this house that is precarious as hell for a little kid has been very very hard.

[01:00:58] Because of the worry and and the level to which I am just unprepared but you know how prepare to you for your father just dropped in and then have to go and.

[01:01:11] So through his stuff and take care of it and she's having to grapple all of that some type of a kid and you know being I mean she just met me for the first time like in person and she's known me but like met me first time in person I think we go to like.

[01:01:28] You know all this family coming together and all of us trying to just figure it out in a moment it's been a lot guys and.

[01:01:37] And just managing it and rolling with it and being like well you know my day and then still having work to do I mean I'm very overwhelmed and you know if they're listening or they do listen to this podcast episode.

[01:01:54] You know just to check in with me and they're worried I should probably check in with them but the people over at re-immenting the tattoo for the past two weeks I haven't shown up for my Monday night exercises and it's just because I have been done.

[01:02:07] Last week it was I went bed I'll admit it guys I could not stay up I couldn't stay up and do exercises I couldn't I had to go to sleep.

[01:02:18] I had to go to sleep. I've been really bereft of rest and my allergies I still have a little bit of congestion I don't know if you guys can still hear it doesn't help then I've been crying.

[01:02:30] But like my life has been smacking me around in very subtle ways that are just these little hits that that honestly I have just been bringing me to tears and just the level of frustration.

[01:02:46] And they do say that like I saw this Denzel Washington quote that he'm talking is like well you you got to kind of be paranoid when you feel like you're rolling with life because it's kind of when the devil forgets to examine you.

[01:03:07] You know like oh we'll just leave him alone because he that's one of my boys that's one of my little commissioners but when but when you're doing the right thing.

[01:03:19] That's when the devil is going to fuck with you that's when you're going to get shit thrown at your head is when you know when you're actually presenting a problem so this is the hope right.

[01:03:34] This is the hope so Rika's not here right now I'm taking I'm taking the opportunity to record a podcast and share with you guys a very earnest diary entry next week.

[01:03:47] I'm hoping to have a prerecorded show and share with you a tattoo artist I need to I'm approaching April now April significant there's going to be travel ahead so I'm going to lean on that.

[01:04:04] I'm going to be able to tell my prerecorded shows. I got to let the people know that that I hope to air that I that I'm going to be airing them and give them some preparatory time to get me images and things like that.

[01:04:18] So I don't lose it too much but in truth diary listeners the reasons why you've gotten two personal entries for me is because I really have just been pushed against a wall and have produced something out of my ass you know like this is a very earnest raw

[01:04:34] diary entry recording of what is happening the product of procrastination just wanting to give you guys something real and letting it ride and letting it be what it is and you know just documenting it but I don't

[01:04:53] I don't have it together really and you know what I'm going to do something and I'm going to give you something and I hope I hope that it I hope hope that it gives a lot more than what I think it will.

[01:05:10] But next week I'm going to be coming with some prerecorded shows and hopefully introduce somebody else to you take a little break myself in having to

[01:05:26] Yeah, produce a podcast in this kind of way and dedicate this this amount of time.

[01:05:34] And just let it roll and do some do some preparatory works that I can have more openings for April because April I am actually working in case you guys didn't know and you can visit me at the bottom or tattoo convention which is on the 5th 6th and 7th of April

[01:05:50] And then after that I am going to be heading to Oklahoma and we spend two weeks in Oklahoma one week in Oklahoma City the next week in Tulsa.

[01:06:01] I'm visiting two tattoo shops one is a gold thing gallery in Oklahoma City owned by Renee little and then Karma body modifications in Tulsa

[01:06:13] and by Rick.

[01:06:18] And I'm really excited to experience both of them and their studios and just take a trip I honestly and this is another thing I wish I was taking the trip solo but I'm not going to my father is coming with me I have to inform my Airbnb that's a task that I should probably do today that he's coming because I didn't set it up that way

[01:06:43] I'm going to let my host know that I have an extra person coming but essentially my parents are not comfortable with me traveling alone.

[01:06:53] Somebody has gonna come with me and as much as I'm not thrilled about having my plans uprooted and what I want uprooted in that way, I'm gonna embrace it

[01:07:10] and I'm gonna watch it and I've been doing this a lot lately.

[01:07:15] Just seeing if I want to do this anymore.

[01:07:19] Really that's what a lot of this is.

[01:07:23] Tattooing is running a line with me.

[01:07:26] Everything is kind of in question right now how I want to proceed but I've always gotten along with my dad.

[01:07:35] He's always been someone that I have a lot of joy with and you know he turned 70 this year and so I want to experience this with him and I'm gonna look to it as an opportunity to be grateful for the time that I have and to really enjoy him and make a memory.

[01:08:02] So I'm gonna do that.

[01:08:04] I'm gonna do that even though I'm 43 years old and I'm kind of frustrated that you know that I don't know that there's much worry for me but I guess I should be grateful that I have parents that still really worry and still really want to be there and still care and that's how I'm going to see it.

[01:08:26] Darry listeners, I apologize for having moments of pause in this where I'm just a blubbering idiot.

[01:08:39] I hope you can hear the sincerity that I wish I could be more.

[01:08:43] I really do and I hope I hope in the future that I can be more for all of you.

[01:08:50] Because when my friend asked me about all these things and gave me the space to talk about my dreams, what I wanted was more podcasting.

[01:09:02] I really would like to make this my future. I really would.

[01:09:07] I don't know how. I'm very stubborn as to how this is gonna happen and if I was being real with you, I really hope that I'm hired by somebody that that wants me and

[01:09:23] that I don't have to do this all myself. Honestly, I really do like working with other people and organizations and there's so much learning that happens there.

[01:09:36] And also I'm tired. I'm tired, y'all.

[01:09:41] But if you guys can pray, they just pray for me. I really would appreciate it.

[01:09:49] I'll be praying for all of you and I do love you all and I'm so grateful for anybody that listens to these podcasts. It really means a lot to me.

[01:10:00] You know, if you involve me in your journey, then I can more specifically pray for you.

[01:10:11] I've been so blessed to be a part of a lot of people's journey in this and it's just so cool talking with people that weren't tattoo artists when we interviewed or when we met.

[01:10:27] And then now are and their problems are scaling.

[01:10:33] And I have the opportunity to, you know, meet with them in moments of their life that they're struggling with and give them insight and they'll ask it of me.

[01:10:43] It feels really cool. And I'm so grateful and I'm so excited for them.

[01:10:50] You know, like their dreams are coming true.

[01:10:56] And it's not easy but we're all in this together and we're just fumble farting it through and you know, but I hope listeners.

[01:11:08] And I love you and I hope most of all that this is a powerful week.

[01:11:16] And if you've made it to this point, that it will give you a lot of strength.

[01:11:23] Bye everyone. God bless.

[01:11:26] Thanks for listening.

[01:11:32] You can find the apprenticeship diaries on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

[01:11:37] RIG is the underscore apprenticeship underscore diaries.

[01:11:41] If you would like to offer constructive criticism or an interview, drop us an email at the apprenticeship diaries at gmail.com.

[01:11:48] We look forward to hearing from our listeners.