Ep. 216 "I Am a Conservative" (A personal confession by your Host)

[00:00:00] Well, hello diary listeners. Happy Tuesday. And it is Tuesday that I'm recording this. It's been returning from last week which I was recovering from the plague which I dubbed last week's episode.

[00:00:20] This week I am...it was probably not a bold move for any of you that have been listening for any amount of time. But I'm coming out. I'm coming out. I'm coming out. This week's episode, I am dubbing. I am a conservative. Yeah.

[00:00:49] Welcome to The Apprenticeship Diaries where raw meats refine. Let's be real, we're still working on the fine. What it took, what it takes and the stories that are made. Join us as we learn from professionals about how their stories begin. So why am I blatantly stating this?

[00:01:21] I wanted to openly say this because, well for a lot of things. I wanted to talk about conservatism and that word in a very real way. I have always been conservative. So this is something that regardless of what I have considered myself politically,

[00:01:53] I have always been this person. Now to be a conservative means simply the root of that word which is to conserve. Now what do conservatives conserve? For me, it has been a lot of things but at the very core of that is eternal virtue.

[00:02:24] Eternal truths about us as people, as humans and some core principles and points of morality that should never be leveraged in this world when we move and how we make decisions. That you are willing to sacrifice now for a bigger cause later.

[00:02:57] That to me, sorry everyone, my cat is, I guess I love you. Sorry everyone, my cat just he doesn't, he can't and I'm not going to stop him because as you guys well know

[00:03:12] I've had a brush with death with him that I was very sad I might lose him. So I'm going to give him an edge even when he's being a bit of a brat.

[00:03:27] I mean he's not being a brat, he's just, he's a cat and I'm trying to record a podcast and so he's trying to get my attention because he's a cat and I'm more of his servant than his person at times.

[00:03:44] Anyway, to conserve is to look at life and to say I have to shepherd this. I have to think long term about the actions that I take today and make sure that it wills the highest good for the most people down the line.

[00:04:13] And I've always tried to be that kind of person. Now I have sacrificed differently as time has gone on and I have also I think not done, I mean it's hard because times change, trends change, thinking changes

[00:04:44] and excuse me listeners I still have like a little bit of residual something in the back of my throat and my sinuses so I apologize if my talking gets a little stressed but I'm still recovering.

[00:05:04] As I was saying I have taken different stances on this point for different reasons and it has guided me to make the decisions I've made for my life anyway based upon I think where I was at the certain time that I was in it

[00:05:27] and of course upon reflection when you see the yield of that kind of thinking over time you can then actually assess whether or not it was a good decision or a bad decision. For me I do believe that I guided my own life very well

[00:05:48] and I am able to sit in my home right now record a podcast and have a lot of peace a lot of happiness and a lot of fulfillment about where my life has come to. I really honestly and truly don't have a lot of regrets

[00:06:08] and I think that's because I have made choices that have taken on a multi-point perspective most of my life that was really instilled in me which is why I consider myself conservative because I was raised by conservatives.

[00:06:25] I was raised by people who own businesses, who knew about money, who knew about people, who knew about service, who were athletic who just multi-point perspectives who are healthy, who always challenge themselves to keep scaling in life

[00:06:48] and I do believe that as flawed as they are and were did the same thing they always kept in mind a bigger goal, a bigger aim and I was taught just to give examples, you know little things that I think people would consider to be

[00:07:11] you know reduce, reuse, recycle like matters of environmental kind of awareness and I think people make distinctions between that and being conservative but no, no a conservative person recognizes that if you're not in a room you shouldn't have the lights on you know you turn it off.

[00:07:40] If you're not going to eat something at a certain time and space that you should aim to preserve that food and eat it later and not waste it's about not wasting and not wasting time, not wasting energy, not wasting funds, not wasting

[00:08:02] you know very important things that are valuable and to give each thing its value and to not squander it and act like it doesn't matter because if you are type of person who likes to be a contrarian

[00:08:23] and argue that some things matter but other things don't that becomes a very incoherent space very quickly now a large part of my life was led with that kind of contrarian stance I think perceptively by other people just simply because I knew what guided me

[00:08:47] and I knew the choices I was making and why I was making them but I think where it got caught in the weeds was kind of me talking about my perceptions of things to other people and then these people thinking that that's a good application for themselves

[00:09:07] and having their life be guided that way and what I'm here to tell everyone right here and now is if it isn't clear enough by the way that I've lived I am an artist now why is that important to say?

[00:09:25] art is a very very very very very huge responsibility in terms of the culture I've dabbled in talking about it a few times but basically art when it is a profession and you are a recognized personality in the artist community

[00:09:54] it's really important that you understand what you do and why you do it, what you're saying and the statement that you're putting out into the world and I do think that we've reached a point in our history where this needs to be talked about and defined

[00:10:17] because we have a lot of things happening that I think conflate issues and conflate terms and link together certain things that don't belong a really good example of this is I think drag shows for children now I've had conversations really blessed conversations with clients who you know

[00:10:57] I think because they want to be open minded and they want to and they do care about the arts and they are people who like the arts very much so and don't demonize it as some would

[00:11:16] they are very proud I think to admit that they want to expose their children to things like that this podcast is going to be I'm sure very controversial but I'm hoping that I am

[00:11:37] I'm praying to God that I can say this in such a way that people can hear me and understand drag queens are a high art performance I have nothing but respect for drag queens

[00:11:58] it is unbelievable the hair the makeup the pageantry the performance the skill all of it is such high art and in many cases not all but many cases so unbelievably well done

[00:12:21] and I think that what has kind of fettered it is this political argument and also the exposure to children which it should not be exposed to children and neither should any high art and this is what I told this client about exposing her children

[00:12:53] now her child was a dancer now in some regards her child is moving into an art space that will require an incremental exposure to certain spaces that are very fettered and very tough to navigate if you want to maintain a certain moral grounding

[00:13:22] and I thank God that my family and my parents very much so were if nothing else terrifying when it came to disappointing them and they were willing to be the bad guys and so when I say moral grounding

[00:13:44] I don't even think that you I mean I always believed in God and I always grew up with an idea of God in my life it was secular but it was never it was not a never antithetical to God

[00:14:01] God was always proposed as a reality it just it wasn't framed in any kind of in any kind of frame let's just put it that way and I'm really happy that my parents were willing to be the bad guys of my life

[00:14:23] and they didn't use they didn't use ideas like God to stand in place for them when it came down to disciplining us and telling us what was right what was wrong and what was acceptable they bit the bullet and they they assume the role of the bad guy

[00:14:49] and I think that's why I have never ever had a bad feeling about God I think it's because my parents were willing to be my parents

[00:15:04] and they were willing to stand behind what they said and they were willing to let me hate them in ways that I needed to hate them as I grew and as I didn't understand what they were talking about

[00:15:15] and they loved me enough to let all of that happen and allow me to figure things out for myself and come back to them with a humility that I needed to have and it was it was that that really allowed me to believe in God

[00:15:38] and really allowed me to understand that relationship in a way that I do presently and that I am I can't tell you all how grateful I am

[00:15:49] now that's a brief segue but it does have relevance because I really do think that higher concepts of faith are inappropriate for children

[00:16:04] I think that I think that we have to live a little bit before we can understand things about high art, high communication, higher modes of even even mathematics and things like that I mean it's essentially folks you teach your children basic math, numbers, addition, subtraction

[00:16:32] multiplication is even a higher mathematical education than basic math and then it moves up and up but you don't expose a five year old to calculus

[00:16:51] and if you do then I guess that's fine I'm sure there is like a very small percentage of five year olds who might get it and who might actually enjoy that but that's very rare and that is not how we think to raise our children right

[00:17:15] because we want them to be kids at least I do and I think it's very valuable for kids to experience humanity in a very raw

[00:17:28] and very informed way by the way because I think that when you're a kid you do have a closer connection to God and everything a lot more than you do as you get older and you experience this world and as your heart gets broken

[00:17:48] when you're a child I think you understand that you are connected to everything and you understand that you know that there's a lot going on that is scary but that kind of you I don't know for me anyway I understood that everybody was having all these arguments

[00:18:18] that for me just seemed like a big waste of time and I would just look at them and be like why are they just getting along

[00:18:24] and I don't understand why they're not just getting along you know it's so easy to just get along and you know what are we actually arguing about

[00:18:35] you know why is this such a big deal it seems like it's hurting the moment that we have the time that we have

[00:18:46] to never ever get back and I just want to be here and I want to feel this moment and I want to be you know I want to be raptured by it

[00:18:59] so back to drag queens and all of that my client basically was like well I don't want them to think badly about drag queens well here's the thing guys I never went to a drag show or had drag queens in my life when I was a young kid

[00:19:20] never I never did the first time that I experienced somebody who cross dressed actually was with a transgendered at the time we would have considered this a transsexual person

[00:19:37] who was an administrator at my high school this was a man that assumed the identity of a woman it was very clear but my design teacher, my digital design teacher Mr. West introduced and I apologize I forget the name but what he said was this is Miss So-and-So

[00:20:03] now you can look at this person and say and know and just know as a person with eyes that this was a man you know the stature, the hands, there was an atoms apple everything

[00:20:24] but as a person seeing another person and being introduced to another person by someone like my teacher who I adored I mean this is a guy that my family hung out with far after my graduation he introduced this administrator as Mrs. So-and-So

[00:20:50] and I was like okay cool moving on you know like how much am I supposed to feel or think about one an administrator of the school to make anything more of this than has been presented to me it didn't matter to me

[00:21:14] what mattered is that I could I was introduced to this person I got a name, I got a context and I was able to move forward in other conversations with this person beyond that point

[00:21:32] I didn't care and by the way this administrator was dressed like an administrator that would be a female administrator of a school and when I say that I mean appropriate wasn't flaunting, wasn't wearing fuck me heels, wasn't wearing low cut anything

[00:21:59] wasn't you know trying to conflict with what the notions were of what is male and female know this person though a male was shaved or a very business friendly dress business friendly and appropriate shoes for being on your feet with like a mild heel

[00:22:28] nothing aggressive, nothing suggestive completely in alignment with just dressing and going to work which I do think again is distinctive especially for talking about drag queens because drag queens are just that it's pageantry, it's gowns, it's glitter

[00:22:52] it's all of these things I as a female would not go to my place of business wearing a sequin dress that's not how I'm going to dress for my day at the office

[00:23:08] and why this matters is that when you are raising a child you are teaching them societal boundaries you're teaching them about appropriateness in certain spaces now why do you not wear a sequin gown to the office

[00:23:28] well because it's distracting and because we're not there to be a beauty queen in the office we're there to write emails to people that we're not even seeing and you're there to talk with your fellow business person not be sexualized or looked at in any kind of way

[00:23:50] other than this person is here to write emails to collect information about how to better serve our clients it's not about them it's about the work so when we say these are societal constructs yes and no

[00:24:09] they're they are constructs built off of what makes sense for people to actually co-exist function and work again conservative because it's conserving the higher aim the higher aim is getting the job done now what job does a drag queen do? performance right? performance

[00:24:44] what kind of performance well they parody women and they parody pop culture and all of these kind of things well I have met people that are only like 15 years not even like 8 years younger than me

[00:25:03] and have not even watched some of the movies that they make art about they just know it's a part of pop culture but they don't know they don't know it they have very limited experience about it they know it's something that sells and they don't know why really

[00:25:22] you know all the people geeked out about stranger things I'm like I don't need to watch stranger things to experience the 80s I was there you know like so they're commenting sardonically in some cases or in an emulation kind of way in some cases

[00:25:43] off of pop culture and pop icons and celebrity icons that you'd have to understand to either get the joke or get the quality of the acting or performance you'd have to have a grounding understanding about what they are commenting on to really get it

[00:26:08] and a child does not have that okay not only does a child not have that but a child doesn't need it a child from what I remember about being a child has so much that's amazing and new and shining and bright

[00:26:31] just going outside and being able to appreciate the grass and laying down and making cloud paintings and learning about spitballs and learning about different kinds of leaves and then going to like nature centers and learning how to make natural bird feeders and things like that

[00:26:59] there is so much to expose your child to that for the love of God I do not know why people feel that drag queen exposure or drag queen story hour is necessary and when I told this client was I get why people have kind of gotten there because

[00:27:23] you know a drag queen out of context is basically a clown and you know clowns were something that people expose their children to all the time you know the circus clowns funny juggling how much abuse has come from clowns I'll wait John Wayne Gacy was a clown

[00:27:47] it gained him all kind of access to the public favor and to children and my point to this client was you know when you go and this is what the like oh you know there's a career day you know and Jimmy's dad shows up and he's a firefighter

[00:28:11] and then Nellie's dad shows up and he's a drag queen why can't we have Nellie's dad there okay I mean yeah Nellie has a dad and Nellie's dad is a drag queen and you know maybe it is what it is but my whole thing is

[00:28:37] a child needs to know the firefighter dad because the firefighter dad might be a dad that this child runs into a beyond their wanting beyond what the parent would want because a firefighter dad needs to fight fires needs to do first services EMS all of those things

[00:29:02] a firefighter dad is there to help you and to guide you to your safety Nellie's dad the drag queen is not Nellie's dad is a performer that you have to actually go pay money to see and typically where you're going

[00:29:30] is a place that doesn't even allow for children nor should it like a bar or a nightclub this is a place for adults adult entertainment people have an awareness about other things that they have graduated to as a natural course of life you do not expedite that

[00:30:01] because what you end up doing is robbing somebody's innocence you distract them also from all of the mirrored of things they have to learn that are essential that are great that are grounding like how to make a natural bird feeder like you know learning about crawdads

[00:30:26] and bugs and just going outside and getting some sunshine or you know like a Rico Rico laughs at me and he thinks I'm weird because I've had worms and he's like how did you get worms I said because I was a little hippie kid

[00:30:44] he would go outside and my parents would let me run around without my shoes on and we didn't think anything of it until I got worms and you get worms by running around barefoot outside he's like I don't even understand it I lived in Virginia

[00:30:58] in Virginia Beach most of my life I ran around barefoot he was like I ran around outside all the time and got into stuff and never got worms and I was like well did you wear shoes and he was like oh god yeah we always wore shoes

[00:31:13] I was like okay well that's why you didn't get worms and by the way if you don't fully cook your beef that's a big reason why they tell you you have to cook the beef at a certain point at restaurants because you can get tapeworms

[00:31:33] and there's a lot of people who probably have tapeworms that don't even realize they have tapeworms and are terribly unhealthy and just would never assume or never think that they have a tapeworm you know these things I mean and there's like a there's a really cool I think

[00:31:58] there's a really cool inspiration between people who've experienced these things that are not the best but they are what they are right like that's that's the beauty of them it kind of takes away all of the pageantry and the romance

[00:32:14] and it makes it very real and very grounding and that's where we we exist right like we we go to places to watch these performances to kind of be romanced and removed and entertained but then we sit around and we wonder why our children

[00:32:30] are bored all the time and can never be entertained enough and who are you know not satisfied with the lives they have they're not happy they feel very empty they're constantly wondering what everything is about and I think just like me they're looking around to their elders

[00:32:53] being like wow why is everybody arguing and it's because of silly things like this that us as adults cannot agree on about how to raise our future and conserve things that are very important foundationally to conserve in this life you know

[00:33:26] I am a tattoo artist but that does not mean that I am looking to take your kid away from you I do not think that I would have gotten this far and this long and this career if that was that was in my heart at all

[00:33:44] I don't I anybody who's had their child tattooed with me can tell you how much I measure and am cautious about that interaction I really really really don't want to break that ice in a bad way because I was older folks

[00:34:09] I was 24 when I got my first tattoo I was not budding 18 rushing out there to get my first tattoo Christ I didn't even want to get tattooed until I tattooed I didn't even see it as something that I really even cared about

[00:34:29] you know and so it's odd to me when I see people who are like I've always wanted to be tattooed I love it I'm you know I couldn't wait to be able to do that I got news for you guys I didn't have that with much things anyway

[00:34:47] I was a late bloomer I didn't get my first kiss until I was 19 mostly because I won I've always been conservative I've just always been a person who's looked at things in a way that has the future in mind

[00:35:08] and so it didn't allow me to be as whimsical as my fellow my fellow children I don't know what it was I mean at this point I accounted for the fact that physically I wasn't as capable as most of them

[00:35:24] and so I felt inadequate in a lot of those spaces and I also had a lot more pain than most of them had so I just excluded myself because I knew that if I engaged in half the activities they wanted to do I'd get messed up

[00:35:39] and it would hurt and I'm very very motivated and maneuvered by pain pain and suffering works on me you don't want me to do something hurt me and I'll be like ok ok moving on that's not good I have learned because I have a self

[00:36:03] preservation chip I guess on some levels it's not in terms of communication because I truly believe that we should all communicate freely and openly you know if you're still talking or communicating to somebody you're not actually engaged in a war it might be aggressive

[00:36:24] but it's not attacking most of the time even when it is screaming it's I mean you're not willing to hear somebody when you're screaming you are overly asserting what you want but even that is not attacking somebody it's just not allowing anybody into your space

[00:36:46] essentially to me like an animal that's growling at you saying don't come any closer so yeah children should not be exposed to drag queens and I hope that I have talked about conservatism in such a way that it makes it clear because I've had people of late

[00:37:15] conflate that with being Republican or right wing or any of those things and that is wildly inappropriate they're not the same and what I also would like to confess so that all of my people and listeners know I am Republican I have wavered

[00:37:42] in that stance as far as like certain labels that I would have put on myself but I have been a registered Republican since day one of my ability to vote it's already here, my next book okay listeners

[00:38:05] I've got something to share with you that I'm already in love with I don't know about you but I'm a total book nerd I have so many books a lot I haven't read, I admit there's just something about having bookshelves full of possibilities that calms my soul

[00:38:19] so when I attended the Bogota City Tattoo Fest this past August for the first time I was delighted to run into my friend Ina Vigilato we've actually had her on our show, so go check that out straight away it was like

[00:38:31] God used Ina to guide me over to Black Dagger books there I met Travis Lawrence and Josh Rowan the creators of this enterprise and got hooked as soon as I saw their product it's these beautiful little books just full of art amazing art from amazing tattoo artists

[00:38:47] from here I'm just going to read what their site says Black Dagger books is an ongoing collection of artists defining modern tattooing published monthly one artist per book one book per month a subscription is $25 a month you get inside of these beautiful books, these custom stickers

[00:39:07] each one is filled with the most gorgeous artwork and it always concentrates on these awesome tattoo artists and I try to follow each one as soon as I as soon as I open the book I'm just like oh my God so it's really worth it

[00:39:21] do yourself a favor go over to blackdaggerbooks.com or if you're on IG Black Dagger books it's all one word and check out their products like I said the subscription is awesome and I'm really happy this quells everything about

[00:39:38] you know the book nerd in you, the art collector it also cures any guilt that you might have about having books just laying around because this gives back to the artist community it's a win-win and just so everyone knows I'm not being paid to shout these guys out

[00:39:53] I just genuinely love their product and also I really love them the creators Travis and Josh were amazing they were so kind to me they gave me so much of their time at the tattoo festival so if you ever have the chance to meet them talk to them

[00:40:07] they're great guys I can't say enough things so do yourselves a really big favor go check it out thanks so much listeners let's get back to our podcast and it has not changed I have voted for independent people and at times I've considered myself libertarian

[00:40:33] I do not anymore we live just so we're also clear about politics in America we live in what is called a constitutional republic this is very important to understand we elect our representatives representatives that are meant to honor our constitution which that hasn't happened

[00:41:04] for a very long time and it doesn't matter what side of the aisle you're on whether you're Republican or Democratic or Democrat rather our representatives we elect via the democratic process pending there is not voter interference to which we can all maybe speak upon what we see there

[00:41:29] but this whole rhetoric of our sacred democracy has its rhetoric is what it is its rhetoric for you to champion that would mean that you look at any other person in this world and you say they have as much ability to understand these points as anyone else

[00:42:04] and I would need to be very clear what I'm saying this a five year old for example does not have the same ability to conceive of physics as an adult who's been studying physics their whole life so when you're talking about voting and when you're talking about democracy

[00:42:36] and you're talking about everybody getting a vote you do have to truly meet it and you do have to truly have the courage of your conviction when it comes to that I know people who can't even get on the road and be civil while driving because

[00:42:57] they are so incensed about who they'll give driving licenses to that I can't even be a passenger in their car and have a nice ride because they are losing it over the fact that they are surrounded by awful drivers and you know

[00:43:20] when you look at voting in terms of that and you analyze yourself honestly about how you see other people and their capacity to make decisions on things that will ultimately affect you do you truly believe that everybody has the same awareness of life and of these issues

[00:43:48] enough to make solid decisions on them do you? because I will be honest with you guys I see if nothing else a lot of people who vote to sure up themselves and not what's best for everyone and the premise I think that is at least thrown at

[00:44:16] the democratic process is that if you have the most people voting and you're hearing from them and the majority wins that that is going to be the best for everyone and that's just simply not true that's simply not true lots of things happen because of mob rule

[00:44:43] and because there's just sheer numbers behind something but that doesn't mean it's the right thing it just simply means that it has the most amount of people behind it but are these numbers you know, qualified in a lot of ways are they do they all have

[00:45:04] good minds, good hearts behind this you can make a very sweeping broad brush assumption that that's the case but my cat's here if you hear him purring he's here again he's got to have attention here's my baby but yeah and these things are needed to talk about

[00:45:31] and I need to talk about them and I need the people who listen to me to know these things about me because they are the things that have hurt me they have they are the things, the reasons why people have stopped being my friend have stopped giving me

[00:45:50] their support and have cut themselves off from me because they presume I don't understand and that I don't love them or I am asking come on, I guess I love you, boy, but we gotta stop that

[00:46:12] I can't have him in my lap when I'm trying to record there's too many wires here no, he's trying to jump up again he's shut the butt either that or I am pushing them and I'm willing the good in them and whatever isn't ready to invoke that

[00:46:33] needs me to go away what I don't understand though is why people I guess I understand it but again, it's inappropriate is why you go to places like social media to discuss these things how do you think that it's gonna go down?

[00:46:58] I guess it is this inevitable conclusion if you think there's something so sacred about democracy that you're like, oh, if I go to the World Wide Web and I show all of my vulnerabilities and all of my pain and passions and problems that I'm gonna get

[00:47:21] some kind of good I don't know, direction I can tell you all that that's not the reason why I do it I do it not because I think I'll survive but I do it almost because I know I might not and I just want people to be honest

[00:47:47] and I really want to know the truth I want to speak the truth and I I can't stop and the truth of my hearts my heart of hearts is just that and to talk about it and to just let it be out there

[00:48:10] I don't presume I'm gonna get a blanket understanding in fact, I feel like I might get just an irrational amount of hate and I haven't gotten either I haven't gotten either extreme support or extreme hatred I've had a little bit of attempts to cancel me

[00:48:39] and I've had bad reviews so yeah, I guess that's something bad review was funny though it was really funny though I do want to cross-ditch it man, that's gonna take forever to cross-ditch though it would be like a scroll

[00:48:59] I just think it was the most awesome bad review anyway but no, if you're gonna be a friend of mine I just think it's important for you to know where I'm coming at with these things how I feel about them what the truth of my feelings are

[00:49:23] and if you don't want to continue listening to me because I feel this way and what I say hurts you then I don't want you to listen anymore I guess I don't think that it's appropriate for you to subject yourself to that you know, you don't have to

[00:49:50] there's many things to listen to so if you're here listening to me then I would hope that at the very least, if the things I say are kind of rubbing you the wrong way that you'll I don't know meditate on them

[00:50:05] see how valid they are for your life and make a choice like I said, I think I've gone off the rails a little bit because I make choices for my life but I'm not making choices for others and when you're discussing things like politics

[00:50:22] or big ideas that go beyond you yourself I do think that I've had to think beyond me and think about what's right beyond me and in that I have understood a lot about my own appropriateness you know, I'm not appropriate for children I have crafted my whole life

[00:50:53] not to have kids and I do think that was an act to preserve eternal virtue and morality because I really didn't in my time and experience have too many good partners that could I mean, they weren't bad people let me be clear about that they weren't bad people

[00:51:16] but they weren't people who could align with me to work together to any kind of common end and if you're going to raise a family and do a more traditional life where you have babies and do some of the things that I am aiming to do now

[00:51:38] like getting married I do think that you should align in those kind of ways and I never had that so I'm not going to keep doubling down and just doing what society says you should do for the simple fact that society says you should do it

[00:51:58] that is why everybody is running around screaming about social constructs because they've allowed themselves to be prisoner to them but we're not prisoner to them it doesn't mean that social constructs don't have validity that they don't have a basis just like stereotypes stereotypes I mean if you

[00:52:25] if you talk about a stereotype most people can shake their head and know exactly who you're talking about what you're talking about because it's founded in something that many people have observed and it just is what it is so

[00:52:46] you know and I say that as somebody who has watched more and more and more tattooing be something that is accepted in more spaces than it ever was before but but tattooing is like that tattooing is it's art it's art and it's meant to break barriers

[00:53:11] it has this very interesting ability to break barriers like that but even within that I mean if anybody knows me I am not a very tattooed tattoo artist I'm very conservative and even my tattoo acquisition I mean to my family I am heavily tattooed

[00:53:31] because none of them are tattooed I mean there's a few here and there but for the most part I'm the most tattooed person in my family and so you know to them I am very heavily tattooed but in terms of tattoo artists I am not

[00:53:48] I'm conservative I know I don't have tattoos on my face I don't have you know I don't have I have you know a little sliver of my hand tattooed in a couple little spots but you know nothing aggressive nothing that I mean you'd have to turn my hand

[00:54:07] a certain way to just see it otherwise you wouldn't even know my hands have tattoos so you know in a big way my clients are more tattooed than I am I gotta catch up to them I like tattoos and I am

[00:54:24] and you know just like I like art but you know I'm not gonna hang every single artwork in my house you know that there's there's a specificness to the acquisition of art and there's also a care as to how it came to me

[00:54:38] that's a part of it as well it's not just the art it's why it's in my life you know who introduced it to me my cat really cannot stay out of my lap boy what's going on here what's going on what do you need

[00:54:52] what do you need what do you want hmm her boxy well now you guys are understanding a little bit about my relationship with my beautiful cat that's me kisses head but yeah I'm just because I'm inappropriate for kids and certain things doesn't mean I don't love kids

[00:55:15] doesn't mean that I don't recognize the fact that I am odd and you know like I can I am invited over to households and welcomed in to spaces where I'm odd a lot my church being one but I understand how I'm different and why I'm different

[00:55:55] and I understand the boundaries of that and I understand and do not feel bad about the truth of things simply because I've lived my life in a very odd way in a very not normal way this doesn't make me feel lesser or inadequate anymore

[00:56:26] it just is what it is and as I move I look at people and I look at life and I look at things and I look at it for more than what I am within it but in terms of how I would like it to be

[00:56:45] and I measure that against who I am and what I want most and if it means that I need to not be involved in something then I need to not be involved in something if it is to will the betterment of it

[00:57:02] and I'm not going to feel bad about that I'm not going to think you know why are you excluding me from this space because I'm inappropriate that's why there's nothing wrong with me it's just a right time right place right? like there are

[00:57:27] there are spaces for these things and if we start if we start trying to break down all these spaces without any kind of awareness as to why they are the way they are we're just radically tearing things down with no direction afterwards

[00:57:46] what do you think that's going to leave your children what do you think that's going to leave the world what do you think you can do that you have no plan you're just tearing things down because you can of course you can anybody can destroy something

[00:58:05] but it takes greatness to build something up it takes character to create it takes an awareness of the creator to create and a humbling an homage to them to God I don't consider God a them even though it's the father, son and Holy Ghost God

[00:58:35] it's the best way to put it it takes a lot to do the right thing it takes an awareness of sacrifice and this is why I'm a Christ follower because I understand that that action that action of great love great love for something so much beyond the self

[00:59:05] and I need this podcast to go out there because moving forward as any kind of artist I need people to know where I'm at I'm I'm not going to celebrate or get behind certain ideals anymore not even lightly not at all because if I see

[00:59:35] that what they produce in other people is their demise I'm not going to champion it and I'll say this and you know end on what might be a damning note for me but I feel like it's very true I will not celebrate pride

[00:59:56] pride is not to be celebrated nor is your sexuality by the way again just another inappropriate thing that doesn't need to be known you know it is what it is I don't really care I don't want to care the fact that you care I don't even understand why

[01:00:29] if it is what it is and it's so normal and neutral then why are we making such a fuss about it why are we having parades why why I'd like people to start thinking outside of themselves for a second and realize and think a little bit further

[01:00:59] down the line about the ramifications of their actions I am was pretty riddled with just sorrow about myself post 2020 and looking at how I'd played things now like I said I feel like I guided my own life pretty well

[01:01:24] but I do think that some of the things that I told people just not understanding what they would do with that information really did not bring about great things and I am so sorry I am so sorry I didn't know and you have to forgive yourself to some

[01:01:48] some points for being ignorant about not knowing how far your thoughts on things would go and what kind of influence you had but I'll be honest with you guys I was so conservative at one point that I didn't want to be effectual

[01:02:07] I just wanted to stay out of people's way and that was how I played the majority of my life up until 2020 was just you know not really stand out in any kind of way not really influenced too much in a way

[01:02:29] I didn't want to be in the way I didn't want to get in the way of anyone else's stuff because I felt like I said I felt inadequate to most of it and I just wanted to be and I just wanted to

[01:02:45] pursue the things that I knew I could pursue and be decent enough at and I guess it was fine for me to just just be recognized but that was all until 2020 that was all until I saw what what it did what that kind of whimsy and contrarian

[01:03:17] viewpoint did how it how it lacked foundation for people and I really didn't realize how much of a foundation I had to even have the views I had you know what I'm saying like I knew what I was debating some people never know some people have to learn

[01:03:49] all of the things that I've learned the hardest of ways things that were given to me by mentors and my family things that I had to apologize for bucking for so long with you know my family of origin and certain people where I just

[01:04:09] I didn't realize what they were saying how they were trying to love me and I thought they were being controlling and awful and limiting and they weren't they weren't they were scared for me they were scared for me and sometimes they were wrong just simply

[01:04:27] because of their fear you know what they what they had to say was valuable but it wasn't the truth it was just an opinion about what they saw and it was a calculative I hope I said that right a calculation of what could happen and sometimes it didn't

[01:04:48] but it was love it was love that wasn't meant to control it was meant to guide and it was meant to help and I do think that that's the majority of the people in this world you know they say things they involve themselves because they love because we

[01:05:06] have a want to better ourselves each other this world we are shepherds for it all we're put in a way to have you know when you go into the biblical kind of realm when it's talking about dominion that isn't to just lord over and hurt and take

[01:05:36] it's about restoration it's about guiding it's about nurturing it's about existing with and and honoring and so I and you know some biblical texts say that some say inhabit the earth in Genesis others say restore the earth and those distinctions are very important and the reason why

[01:06:08] there's different interpretations is because Hebrew has contextual differences than English and so I think that you know when people translate they translate in terms of what the more modern colloquialisms kind of glean from but or kind of marry with but you know Hebrew has a lot of distinctions

[01:06:36] and so does Greek and so does Aramaic and so you know all of that these are the languages that our bible was originally written in and so and then when you move it into like the Roman Catholic kind of Latin Latin too you know these distinctions are huge

[01:07:02] and you know one that I have talked about recently and in mixed company and I was very happy about how it was received is the term love love is there's different expressions of love there's four at least that I've come to understand in the traditional Latin

[01:07:26] Latin terms there's Storki there's Philia there's Eros and there's Agape and they have different qualities to them and expressions and if you're going to talk about love you have to be very clear about what love you are aiming for Eros is very specific it's the one that carries

[01:07:53] a sexual connotation, romantic connotation and things that are about attraction between you know the sexes or that will lead to sex that's Eros that carnal love that wants to move into a space that is a carnal expression of love and love making that's the only one

[01:08:21] and it seems to me nowadays that we as a society are trying to make every space a space for Eros and it is not Eros belongs in the bedroom in fact my therapist, God love her and I'm grappling with this right now because my boyfriend Rico loves

[01:08:42] to have the TV on as we go to bed and it drives me insane and he knows it drives me insane he knows but the problem is that when you have had a certain amount of trauma in your life if there's too much quiet

[01:08:58] other things start coming in other thoughts and so if you go to bed with that kind of noise in the background or that kind of plot it helps you fall asleep it doesn't for me it keeps me awake and so

[01:09:15] I remember when I was going to my therapist she was talking about you know rest and atonement and kind of appropriate ways to you know create your space so that you can you can get what you need out of each space

[01:09:29] and I think we were talking about alters but she she asked me about my bedroom and she said you know I'm not a big proponent of having TVs in the bedroom because only two things should happen in the bedroom sleeping in sex

[01:09:47] and her and I aligned in that very much so and I agree with the only two things that should happen in the bedroom you know people who eat in their beds people who watch TV in their beds people who you know even reading in the bed I mean

[01:10:03] now I can but you know that is something that if you need to keep a light on which most people do keep somebody else awake it's just not the bedroom is concussive to sleep in sex and that's it and I think all of us would

[01:10:21] keep things in the bedroom if we could just keep the boundaries clean and conservative and understand what that means when we say it so I am conservative I am a tattoo artist and I am conservative for all of you to know I'm not celebrating pride because

[01:10:47] I do not think that there is any love in pride aside from the pride that a parent can feel after their child has made a very good decision for themselves and their life but that is that isn't it's a different kind of pride and proudness it's something

[01:11:11] that is I don't know an appeal to a god to say that you know thank god this person is on the right course and it's a relief that you can walk away or that you can die or whatever and know that your kid is functioning and is capable

[01:11:41] and can help themselves but this thing that we have created I don't see any love in it I see a lot of antagonistic nonsense I see a lot of want to push belief systems and other people's faces and to destroy innocence so I am fine with being judged

[01:12:19] by this I am fine with any discussion that comes from this I would love to have it actually with anyone I've already lost I think the most important connections and I don't even consider them completely lost I just know that we had to walk

[01:12:42] away from each other but I've lost most of my connections that were you know big into pride and the pride movement they don't want to be my friend anymore I didn't really have to do very much they decided they didn't want to be around me anymore

[01:13:06] and like I said I do think that that's because when you seek to will the good in someone if they're not ready for that they're not ready to make that step they just got to remove themselves from you and that's probably the most loving thing for everyone

[01:13:20] to do because otherwise it's just going to hurt and I'm fine with I don't want to hurt people I really don't want to hurt people so this isn't this isn't meant to hurt and like I said earlier if what I say does hurt you please just stop listening

[01:13:38] stop listening you know I don't want my intention I don't want you to keep subjecting yourself to it but it's it's who I am and as this is my podcast and a personal diary entry personal confession to all of you I feel it's necessary to hang out and

[01:14:03] be transparent in all ways and to let you know who I am what I am I'm ready to say and share your thoughts your thoughts your thoughts your ideas your ideas and that way if you know if you want to work with me

[01:14:27] if you want to commission me if you want to get tattooed by me anything involving me you now have the opportunity to need to boycott it, then that's that. But it really doesn't matter how much you're

[01:14:46] going to tell me that I'm awful. I know I'm not awful. I'll love you and let you go and let you, you know, figure out whatever you need to figure out and I'm hoping that you'll give me the same grace because I certainly haven't

[01:15:06] figured out everything. I'm sure I never will and in that grand, this life where I get to keep having little happy awarenesses come into mind all the time, it's a kick, it's really fun but I am by no means perfect and I really think that

[01:15:30] the best course of action always is to hate the sin not the sinner and I have to have the same grace for myself as I do anyone. So with that, I think this is a

[01:15:42] great time since I've talked over an hour now to give you guys back your time and let you go and do powerful awesome things. Be well and make good choices everyone. I love you very much and I will be back next week. God willing. Bye listeners.

[01:16:11] Thanks for listening. You can find the apprenticeship diaries on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Our IG is the underscore apprenticeship underscore diaries. If you would like to offer constructive criticism or an interview, drop us an email at the apprenticeship diaries at gmail.com. We look forward to

[01:16:27] hearing from our listeners.