Ep. 229 "Beyond Me" (Your Host is getting married!)

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[00:00:29] Diary listeners, hello! Happy Tuesday.

[00:00:34] This is a very raw episode. I don't expect it to be too long.

[00:00:41] I'm dubbing it Beyond Me because the point of today's diary entry is to let everybody listening know,

[00:00:49] if you don't already, that I'm getting married this upcoming weekend on Sunday.

[00:00:56] I wanted to do just a quick little, I guess, bullet point of the time frame and give you guys some

[00:01:04] insights into how I'm feeling. More about, I guess, what I am, my general feelings just because

[00:01:14] everybody keeps asking. And I know it's very typical for everybody to have a lot of excitement

[00:01:22] around this time. I too am very excited for many reasons, but a lot of it is a build up to

[00:01:35] much that I have put on hold. It occurred to me when I started down my path of building a

[00:01:45] relationship with God and having my heart broken in 2020 and just assessing my life that I needed to

[00:01:55] change many things about how I lived and how I worked and everything.

[00:02:02] So this day is kind of the culmination of all of that reassessment. I haven't worked much,

[00:02:11] meaning I haven't tattooed many. That's for a lot of reasons. I've really limited the amount that I have

[00:02:24] done in that arena, mostly because I have a lot of assessment to do in that area as well.

[00:02:31] But with this union that I'm having with Rico, as you guys have known him in the intro,

[00:02:38] he's my soon to be husband, my current fiance, which fiance is a weird term and it feels a little too

[00:02:48] fancy. I don't know why I still feel more comfortable with boyfriend. I feel very comfortable with

[00:02:54] husband. I think it's going to be a great change. It's going to be an adjustment to

[00:03:00] move into being an Iliotto. I've been Amy Nichols my whole life. I've had people misspell

[00:03:08] my last name my whole life. I've told Rico that as much as it'll be my new legal name,

[00:03:17] my art will always hold my maiden name. That's my roots and since I don't have children,

[00:03:26] those are my babies that I proliferate the world with and that I express through. And since

[00:03:33] my parents took such efforts to cultivate that in me, I feel it's only right that I bestow

[00:03:41] each of my creations with Amy Nichols still or ACN, whatever the date is, is usually what I do.

[00:03:51] I have that crafted and so I'm not changing any of my emails or my website because all of

[00:04:03] this stuff. So there's so much, I mean, I'm 43 guys. I'm 43. I'm getting married very late.

[00:04:10] None of this was ever thought of and I recently had someone ask me what changed

[00:04:21] and I was kind of, I was kind of dumbstruck. I got a little, I got a little aggressive because

[00:04:27] or I guess flustered because it's a lot. It's a lot to explain. Sorry if you guys hear Rico

[00:04:35] in the background, he's getting ready for the day and he's excited because hunting season started.

[00:04:41] I'm a little, I know he's excited about the wedding and nothing will get in

[00:04:50] the way of that day but I did set this date right at the beginning of hunting season so

[00:04:55] I'm asking him to take a whole Sunday and, you know, focus on our marriage. It's one of the smaller

[00:05:02] things I've asked of him but getting back I was asked what changed and I was kind of alluding

[00:05:09] to that in the beginning. What changed was that my heart broke and when this person asked at

[00:05:20] first I didn't know how to talk about that and I'm not even sure if I still do. The

[00:05:30] thing that changed was that I think I had finally realized that

[00:05:40] I only get so much control over my life, if any. What I'm given is the freedom to choose and to feel

[00:05:55] the reality of my choices and even that choice is a gift from God. The truth of the matter is God

[00:06:09] needs to be the center point and the foundation, the cornerstone if you will,

[00:06:16] to everything else and if that is not the case it's going to have a weak foundation

[00:06:26] and there was a lot of things that pushed me to seeking God. I always believed in God

[00:06:36] always but I never fostered a relationship and the reason I guess why I am bringing this up is

[00:06:44] because you know and I don't know this is just my experience and I think that each of us needs to

[00:06:54] go through our own experiences. That's the only way. That's how God works in us

[00:07:00] and that's when you know you're ready to cultivate I guess a relationship but

[00:07:13] I never wanted to get married before because I always saw it as empty before.

[00:07:21] I always saw it as a business contract that you enter into under the state. I always saw

[00:07:28] it as cold and calculative and anything but loving. I always saw it as something that

[00:07:35] was frivolous and the more that our laws have perverted the definition and the

[00:07:45] meaning of marriage which was a formulation under God. I have just by proxy, just as a young girl

[00:08:01] looked at the whole institution if you will as just something I didn't want to be a part of.

[00:08:09] I looked at it from where I was in the 80s and 90s and saw it and said I don't know why anybody

[00:08:17] would do this. Why would you do that? Why would you agree to that? There's many things that

[00:08:26] I looked at from a very self-centered point which is why I'm calling this episode beyond me because

[00:08:37] for a long time I just made my life what it could be for me and the pursuit of happiness was

[00:08:50] more of what I felt. A very American view is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

[00:08:57] So my life, my liberty, my pursuit of happiness, what does that mean to me

[00:09:02] and what can I construct for myself? And that's exactly what I did for a very long time

[00:09:11] and because I did it that way I had to have things be very manageable. Small house,

[00:09:22] two cats, I had three at one point just to help out my friend Katie in a moment where she needed it

[00:09:29] and that even was a lot more than I anticipated. Just having one more little itty bitty mouth defeat

[00:09:37] was a bit more and more hair in my house. So my whole life has really been measured by what I can do

[00:09:46] for myself. I never wanted kids because again I just didn't think I was responsible enough

[00:09:55] and I never had or picked rather a partner that I would want to take that journey with.

[00:10:05] I could barely trust myself let alone you know going into that kind of creation with someone else.

[00:10:14] So the creations that I have and the creations that I've made are ones that

[00:10:19] I knew that I could do and do well which is my artwork. And I lived a very self-centered existence

[00:10:30] very honestly self-centered. I mean I told people that that's what I was doing and I thought

[00:10:35] that that was enough of a admission to keep me from being hurt. And you know I kind of I think

[00:10:57] resigned myself to all of it you know like I just was like well you know this is enough.

[00:11:10] You know and I think we do that because well I know I did it because I had this thought

[00:11:20] that I never wanted to hurt anybody. I always wanted to be just like a happy space for everyone.

[00:11:28] I didn't want to get anyone's way. I only wanted to do what I could do well.

[00:11:33] I didn't want to be a burden. I you know in general I just really wanted to be the type

[00:11:41] of person who didn't make life more complicated for anyone else and that's what I saw

[00:11:51] a lot of the things that people just go into all the time as being and it was an interesting

[00:12:00] perspective because I just saw it all being so hard and insurmountable and I felt so inadequate

[00:12:11] towards all of it. And you know I think that the issue was is that as much as I believed in

[00:12:21] God I didn't know what God was. I didn't know how vast and how epic and what having a relationship

[00:12:32] with God really means. It means that you try to look at yourself through what God sees in you

[00:12:43] which is so much more vast than you yourself could ever ever deem. It means walking into faith.

[00:12:57] It means walking into possibilities that are not certain that you really have to

[00:13:05] you know lean into the discomfort of unknowing and see and risk failing. And I think this is important

[00:13:19] for the people that listen to this podcast because I've struggled most in my life with

[00:13:27] relationships. It's been really hard for me. I've always wanted one. I've always wanted love.

[00:13:34] I've always wanted a connection. I've always wanted family. I just have always felt very

[00:13:43] inadequate to all of it and it's been rough and I have really benched myself in a lot of things

[00:13:56] and for all the people who listen because they're trying to be an apprentice of a tattoo shop where

[00:14:05] they're trying to seek the next level in their life and to expand and grow. I feel like this is

[00:14:12] a very honest admission to all of you that I understand so deeply your fear and not knowing

[00:14:21] what's next, not understanding what to do, feeling very uncomfortable, you know, putting yourself

[00:14:29] before other people and risking failure, risking so much and just getting your heart utterly dashed

[00:14:38] over and over again. I understand what that feels like but I guess that's the reason why I feel

[00:14:52] so compelled to have this pre-wedding episode is because meeting and coming to God has given me

[00:15:08] such unbelievable peace of mind that I can't even explain it. I know life is going to get rough

[00:15:19] in the future. I know it. There is nothing in the world that can give me peace at this point about

[00:15:28] how rough it's going to be. There's no denying it and we're on the precipice of a new election

[00:15:40] cycle. Life is tense, people are very divided, the world is, you know, combating so much.

[00:15:49] Everybody is perceptively tense. There's a lot of fear. There's a lot of fear.

[00:16:02] And I think that this is on a global scale now in many ways and so I feel like whatever is

[00:16:11] incurred, you know, occurred in me since my heart finally breaking to a point where it was like

[00:16:27] revolutionary. It switched everything. It flipped every perspective upside down and

[00:16:36] allowed me to see it from a new angle that I hadn't before. And when I told, well, before I go in there,

[00:16:51] you know, I think the world is scared and I think people are scared and I think that that is

[00:16:59] why we need God. That's why we need to pursue that part of ourselves that craves

[00:17:10] that kind of eternal love and connection. And I pray deeply that all of us find that.

[00:17:23] I do because I think that that is going to be the only thing that allows us to move forward

[00:17:33] in a good way, in a way that we can have peace and salvation, true salvation. Because

[00:17:44] that's what our Creator did for us. He died for us. He came and suffered and bled for each of us.

[00:17:58] And that is the salvation that he offers. And I can't describe it any way other than that.

[00:18:09] It's just that's just the truth of it. And when you're ready, I guess, or when you're

[00:18:16] like me broken to the truth of all of it, you'll see it too.

[00:18:25] I'm kind of ashamed that it's taken me this long to see it. I've had so many people try to

[00:18:35] open my eyes to it. I think the most potent being my mother and I've probably been the most

[00:18:44] ungrateful for her if I were to really look at that. I mean, I owe her so much. I mean,

[00:18:58] life itself for sure, her and my father. But they could have been any kind of parents,

[00:19:06] but the kind of parent that I got from my mom was just it was challenging. It still is. But

[00:19:12] man, am I grateful? My cousin said to me who doesn't have her mom anymore,

[00:19:21] be grateful that you get to argue with her still. And I am. I am. I'm still very human

[00:19:28] and I still get very frustrated. But I am very grateful and I do keep that in perspective.

[00:19:36] I think that's why I get so frustrated is because we don't know how much time we'll have

[00:19:41] and we don't know how devastated will be if our last words to each other are awful.

[00:19:52] But it's not within our control. Every moment is a gift and unsure as to what lies ahead.

[00:20:02] And that's why I think it's really important to think about things in a much more expansive way,

[00:20:10] long term way. And that is what my mother has always preached.

[00:20:18] No, don't live for the moment. Don't don't do that because if you're planning for eternity,

[00:20:26] plan for eternity lay foundations that are for an eternal space. And what does that mean?

[00:20:34] What does that look like if you're crafting an eternal spot in the universe?

[00:20:42] It's not just here and now it's forever. What does that look like?

[00:20:48] And so that's how I'm looking at a lifetime now with the same person.

[00:20:56] What does that look like? What should that be? And

[00:21:02] I think that's the only way that I'm not freaking out right now.

[00:21:06] You know, I've been with Rico less time than I have some of my partners.

[00:21:11] And I feel ashamed too for the fact that I wasn't ready for any of them that I couldn't.

[00:21:18] I mean, I shouldn't feel ashamed if God had wanted that to be the person. That would have been

[00:21:28] the person. But I wasn't ready for that at that time and they didn't, we did not cultivate together

[00:21:41] what was necessary in order to unite. We were trying both of us

[00:21:48] to lay everything in place. I mean, the reason why I sit in this house right now that I have,

[00:21:54] that I own is because of that relationship. We were trying every way we could to uplift each other

[00:22:01] and to grow and to create forever status, but just the feelings that we had for each other

[00:22:11] were not ones of a forever kind of feeling. And it was probably because both of us were deeply flawed.

[00:22:25] So this heartbreak describing this to the person who asked, I wrote him. I had to write him because

[00:22:32] when we talked about it in person, it was after my bachelor party. I was super,

[00:22:38] I think I was getting tired and also it went on a tangent as all of you know I tend to do

[00:22:48] that wasn't going to glorify God at all. It was just my experience and I think because it was my

[00:23:00] experience during a very, very probable time in our history, 2020 COVID, all of that.

[00:23:08] This person was getting defensive with me because his life was much different than mine

[00:23:15] during that time. And his journey has only, I guess, has provided him with a lot of perspectives

[00:23:26] that serve his life at this point. And I do think that that's how we roll, right? Like it's really

[00:23:33] hard to hear about what other people are doing and why they're doing it and not compare it to

[00:23:39] what you do and think good for you. I'm happy for you. I don't agree with you, but I'm happy for you

[00:23:51] and genuinely mean that. I think a lot of us look at each other with this,

[00:24:06] just the filter of our limitations. We can only see so much. So what we use is our

[00:24:12] is our filters, our own experience and our own fears, our own perspectives and that's what we see from.

[00:24:20] And so because of what we've experienced, we look at all the things that have hurt us,

[00:24:25] all the things that have gone awry and we look at others and what they're doing and say,

[00:24:36] I don't know about that. I don't know if I agree with that.

[00:24:44] But that's not really what matters. What matters is, is that

[00:24:51] in this person's case that he cared enough to ask. And I did get that from him. Even though

[00:24:58] I'm not sure if anything that I said landed, even when I stayed up at night and typed him

[00:25:05] a very long message trying to articulate it better and less confrontational,

[00:25:11] I still don't know if it landed. But I think he appreciated me taking a little extra time.

[00:25:18] He felt apologetic for having me feel like I had to, but I had to because

[00:25:24] the question he asked went all the way to the root of my relationship with God

[00:25:32] and it's to the glory of God that I want to do most things now.

[00:25:36] I have no idea how to do it. I barely know how to articulate it. It's been very challenging

[00:25:42] and I'm still very much so studying this and trying to do as best as I can. I'm late to the game.

[00:25:53] I mean, I don't even know what that means, but I feel late to the game.

[00:25:59] And all of this is so new to me and it has to strike you and if it doesn't strike you

[00:26:05] in your heart and it doesn't affect you in that way, then you don't understand why it's even necessary

[00:26:10] or what people are looking through. You just don't get it yet. And I get it. It seems crazy

[00:26:16] and it seems stupid and it seems silly and it seems irrelevant and it seems so unbelievably

[00:26:22] flawed because there is no basis in it other than sheer faith. But what is love?

[00:26:30] What is love? We can define it as much as we can, but what is this thing that we

[00:26:40] commune in and that we connect with and that has us, even though we're walking

[00:26:48] more and more into a future of pain and suffering and death, why do we keep waking up every day

[00:26:57] and trying? I mean, there's no logic to that when we know that X, Y, and Z are gonna occur.

[00:27:11] We don't know how, but we know those things will happen. So why do we keep doing all of that?

[00:27:23] What is that? What is that foundation? And for me it's God. For me, it's the eternal blessing.

[00:27:32] Love is everything that God is and offers and it's what I've been searching for my entire life.

[00:27:41] That kind of peace, that kind of connection, that kind of confidence,

[00:27:47] that kind of eternal space where no matter what happens to me, I can weather it because I know

[00:27:56] that if I am still experiencing something and still present here, that it is exactly where I need

[00:28:03] to be and I need to figure out why I am and make choices based on what I feel from God

[00:28:14] is the right choice and really listen to that. And I've been listening to a few interviews,

[00:28:23] one with Russell Brand and one with Glenn Beck, and both of them have said in response to

[00:28:31] what do you account for your ability to see things the way that you do that's remarkable,

[00:28:41] that allows for so much. What do you account for it? Russell Brand said mental illness

[00:28:48] and he probably could have followed Glenn Beck too who answered alcoholism. But if you guys

[00:28:57] understand what they're talking about, it's a perspective that doesn't allow you to be

[00:29:05] scared of things where most people are scared. And I've really identified with that.

[00:29:13] I mean, that's what's allowed me to become the artist that I am today,

[00:29:21] to make a lot of the choices that I've made today to live the alternative space that I have lived

[00:29:28] most of my life is that I really, without knowing it, trusted that I would be fine

[00:29:36] no matter where my life found me that I would be able to manage it. And all I asked God at that

[00:29:46] point was please, please God allow me to feel my choices. Please don't shackle me to other people's

[00:29:54] choices. Pardon this interruption diary listeners. I needed to really quickly shout out a good

[00:30:04] friend who actually made my wedding day a little bit extra. Last minute, I ordered some

[00:30:11] scent speeds, some wax beads that you can burn and make a room smell really, really nice.

[00:30:19] They're beautiful. And my family had these jars and we didn't know what we were going to do with

[00:30:24] the jars needless to say, I was able to create a really nice wedding favor for all my guests

[00:30:31] via our good friend. I've known him since I was a little girl, his name is Joel Wyman,

[00:30:37] Joel Wyman, sorry. And he owns the company Celestial Dreams. Now you can

[00:30:45] actually find his product and shop him at shop.CelestialDreams.com. And he's very fair.

[00:30:54] His prices are awesome. He delivers on all things and he made sure to get me everything I needed

[00:31:02] with quick service. He even gave me a sample that I could check it out. His the smell that I

[00:31:11] like, that's one of my favorite smells that goes way back is Egyptian musk. So he has a wide

[00:31:17] variety of smells. He even went as far as to do this for me, even though Egyptian musk is not

[00:31:22] his favorite at all. But he indulged me and, you know, just just was superior. He even asked about

[00:31:32] the color that I wanted. So it was really beautiful that I was able to get somebody to work with me

[00:31:39] so quickly and and just do such a great job. So shop CelestialDreams.com.

[00:31:47] Shop.CelestialDreams.com. All right, listeners, back to the podcast. I don't want to live a life

[00:32:00] where I have to be prisoner to what other people dictate to me. I can't live that way.

[00:32:10] I won't live that way. It'll break me. And so that's why my heart broke in 2020 is because

[00:32:18] I saw and praise God that it did because I saw how I was living and I saw how

[00:32:30] they're like a better term contrarian I was flippant, squishy. I had little convictions.

[00:32:43] I was very like whatever man and when you live as a whatever man kind of person and you

[00:32:53] actively don't you actively choose apathy towards what other people are doing. See, that's easier

[00:33:01] for me than it is from a lot of other people. It's very sociopic. And I've admitted that too

[00:33:08] on this podcast that I think I have a problem with sociopathy that comes very naturally to me.

[00:33:15] I have to actively choose to let people in and it deeply frustrates me when I do. It gets me

[00:33:27] really off-kilter, really off balance. And I can't imagine if that's a natural setting for

[00:33:35] most people because their lives must feel like they must feel pain all the time, hurt all the time,

[00:33:43] disappointed all the time. I don't feel that way because I'm I usually manage my expectations so

[00:33:51] much of others and expect so little that I and take a very apathetic view to most things,

[00:33:59] a very nihilistic view to most things. At least I did that there wasn't so much shared pain.

[00:34:12] And and I did all that so that I could pursue what I wanted. And I do think that's what a lot of

[00:34:22] people do when they're seeking success. I think it's particularly hard to climb to these levels of

[00:34:35] success that we see in our in our culture today, without that kind of ability to cut people out,

[00:34:44] to manage certain things, to look at people like numbers and to really become cold and

[00:34:53] calculate and yeah, just just sociopic on some level. And I think that's why in the Bible it says

[00:35:04] that a wealthy man's ability to get into heaven is as narrow as the eye of a needle.

[00:35:11] Because the amount that you have to sacrifice of yourself and your soul

[00:35:18] and your view of other humans is so vast that it doesn't allow you an eternal place.

[00:35:33] It allows you great riches here, but you'd be lucky if you'd be able to find an eternal space in heaven.

[00:35:46] And I do think that that's a very acute warning. And I understand that very much so from this

[00:35:53] point in the space. So my heart broke because I had followed everything I thought I knew

[00:36:09] to its point and it wasn't enough. What I found was that I was still limited, flawed,

[00:36:24] and I had very little to carry me at that point once everything kind of came to its

[00:36:33] breaking point in 2020. And I saw that no matter how much I had crafted a life

[00:36:42] that I felt comfortable with, it wasn't producing what I wanted. And I had to reassess and reevaluate

[00:36:57] and I had to have a lot of people that I thought were friends. I had to watch them walk away.

[00:37:05] I had to watch myself be vilified and really analyze those places.

[00:37:18] I truly have forgiven all of those people and I pray for them. And I hope that

[00:37:31] God affects their hearts and minds and continually grows them and I wish them all the best.

[00:37:40] And I truly do because I want that for everyone. I want what I feel to be what everybody gets to feel

[00:37:50] because it's so joyous and free and wondrous despite all things that are scary. And I do think

[00:38:01] that the way I was treated was a product of mass fear, a lot of it that was being manufactured

[00:38:08] to become more because I think that's what God's opposition does, the enemy. He creates fear,

[00:38:20] creates anxiety and wants to create situations where we walk away from God

[00:38:29] and where we rest on our own being because we give up on our faith because we think what's the

[00:38:40] point, it's hopeless. I need to stay alive. I need to stay alive. I need to make sure everybody

[00:38:49] else around me stays alive and safe and it becomes this very crazy thing. So getting back

[00:38:59] my marriage, people keep asking me about it, how I feel. The truth of it is that I can't wait for

[00:39:10] it to be over. This is a lot that I am not used to doing. I'm used to being the worker bee

[00:39:21] that helps facilitate the event and the celebration. I love celebrating others.

[00:39:28] I love being a party goer. I found myself because I love being a party goer,

[00:39:37] being invited to a lot of parties because I think that I'm a good celebrator

[00:39:45] and people recognize that and they want me at their celebration because

[00:39:50] I will make it a success because I want it to be a success and I am so joyous for other people.

[00:39:57] But it's really weird for me to craft that. I have no idea what I'm doing.

[00:40:06] I'm not a big, I don't know, like I've been to parties. I just don't hold very many

[00:40:13] and the ones I hold are very small and they're very catered to one or two people.

[00:40:22] I've tried to do others and they were very awkward and very,

[00:40:26] I don't know. I think it's hard for me to just let it be and just relax and just let

[00:40:37] it be what it's going to be. And it's really hard for me to have some foresight about

[00:40:44] what all these different people from different quarters of my life

[00:40:48] are what is going to provide a space for all of them to have a good time.

[00:40:56] I know it's quote unquote my day, but it's not. People keep saying that well, it's your day.

[00:41:04] It's your day. You should do it any way you want,

[00:41:09] which is odd to me considering the fact that what I'm participating in

[00:41:16] is not something that's about me. It's about joining with a partner for life.

[00:41:26] So it's just as much about him under God and vowing to God. And for me, that's what it's about.

[00:41:36] For me, that's the only thing that it's about and whatever it is beyond that,

[00:41:43] I'll just be grateful for. Already I've had such overwhelming

[00:41:50] enthusiasm and support and love given to me by people that I really just don't even feel deserving

[00:41:56] of because I know how much of a selfish person I've been most of my life and how hard I've

[00:42:03] been to hold and track down and book with. And you know, my clients particularly have been

[00:42:11] suffering from that recently. I've been trying to see a lot more family lately and

[00:42:17] cultivate more friendships and really be available to my friends in recent years.

[00:42:23] A complete changeover of where I was. But what I found after 2020 was as much as

[00:42:29] people walked away from me. There were people there that were always there

[00:42:35] that stood by me and helped me weather that time. And they've just always been there.

[00:42:44] They've always supported me and they've always been sincerely

[00:42:50] a loving asset to my life and person because they understand that it's not about them only

[00:43:00] that's a natural setting for them and they know how to think beyond themselves and they always have

[00:43:06] and they know how to cultivate forever better than me. And they were there.

[00:43:13] And so that's why they're going to be there at my wedding. I'm not able to invite all of the

[00:43:21] people that were there but you know, and that's sad for me because people were like,

[00:43:29] what's your day? You can do whatever you want. Well, I have to do what I can afford to.

[00:43:34] I can't afford very much right now folks. I mean my coffers are very, very thin and very

[00:43:40] bare. They're, I mean, you just see my refrigerator right now. Rico and I don't even know what we've

[00:43:44] been eating. Certainly hasn't provided for a more in shape and healthy body going into a

[00:43:50] wedding dress and all this stuff but it's just there's a lot and I'm hoping this

[00:43:58] can be a lot more and I don't, I guess I just don't look at this as a day that

[00:44:06] anything more than it just being me and my husband to be under God making vows foundational

[00:44:12] vows that really matter and fighting together for a lifetime. Whatever might come.

[00:44:25] The reason why I want to get married now is because I see it for what it is. I see it as

[00:44:39] what you have to do to cultivate family. I see it as an institution that God created

[00:44:52] for one man and one woman to combine with the explicit reason to make children and proliferate.

[00:44:59] For me, I wouldn't it be just so crazy and such a weird testament if after I got my tubes died at 30

[00:45:09] that in my 40s somehow some way and I've heard people have gotten their tubes died

[00:45:15] and have conceived so wouldn't it just be wild if God said, yeah you know I know you wanted this but

[00:45:25] I want this. He's done that with so much of my life already that it wouldn't shock me at this point

[00:45:32] and wow what a testimony would that be? I don't even know what I would do.

[00:45:39] I mean I guess I know what I would do. I know I would accept it and do the best I could

[00:45:47] and Rico is definitely a man that I know I could do that with and do it well.

[00:45:56] We balance each other out quite well and just the way he is with our animals. I mean

[00:46:04] you guys it's so cute and some of my friends know that too. He just adopts everything like that.

[00:46:12] He just takes it on and without question and just knows instinctively how to handle so much.

[00:46:20] It's incredible. Let's see. I want to get married now because I'm I get what God wants from me

[00:46:38] and I get what God sees in me which is far more than what I can imagine for myself

[00:46:48] and I'm ready to yield to it because everything that I thought I knew wasn't the truth

[00:46:58] and it didn't keep me safe. It didn't shield me from shit. All of it happened.

[00:47:05] All of it came crashing down and all I had was my heart and a million pieces. Though I wasn't

[00:47:15] without love I was left completely unknowing of what to do next

[00:47:22] and I think that if you're really building towards something strong

[00:47:30] I can't imagine you would find yourself in that position

[00:47:36] and not knowing what to do but now I know what to do. I know to turn to God always

[00:47:45] no matter what no matter how dark how deep

[00:47:49] I know what is worth sacrificing and what isn't. I know how cruel I am generally

[00:47:57] in a lot of respects and I'm grateful that I have been made to look at those spaces

[00:48:03] so that I can improve. It wasn't easy and it still isn't. I'm very flawed everyone

[00:48:12] and very fallible and I am very foolish in a lot of ways but an honest fool. I've always been an

[00:48:20] honest fool and I will continue to be an honest fool and do the best that I can

[00:48:27] as well as I can be honest. I want to let people know here that I have just today formulated a Facebook

[00:48:45] page for like a virtual space to experience my wedding. I've invited some friends from Facebook

[00:48:54] already and family. I'll have people know that it might strike you as odd but I didn't invite any of

[00:49:02] my extended family aunts uncles cousins, cousins kids. I couldn't do it. I couldn't afford it

[00:49:10] and also I had to create something that was

[00:49:21] very married to what marriage means to me. And so the people that are there

[00:49:30] are people who have always been there. My mother, my father, my brother, his wife, his kids

[00:49:41] and that's the extent of my family that's going to be there. Rico is even more restrained. His mother

[00:49:49] is coming, no one else. We've looked at a lot of factors that just for better or for worse have

[00:50:01] made us feel like smaller is better. I cannot soothe the disappointment that I know many feel

[00:50:15] about not being there. I'll have, I'll always feel that and I understand and this is a very small

[00:50:26] bone to throw any of you for how awesome you've been in my life. Please understand that it hurts me to

[00:50:38] be at this point and being so limited. It really does.

[00:50:46] But I think that that's what the call to God is also about is accepting truth,

[00:50:55] managing what you are capable of,

[00:51:01] setting yourself up for success, creating what you can as best you can and

[00:51:11] acknowledging the fact that you can't be everything for everyone.

[00:51:16] And I guess that's what people mean when they say it's your day

[00:51:20] is that, you know, that, you know, there's no way that you could possibly have something that

[00:51:29] is going to please everybody and it's not about pleasing them. It's about pleasing you. Well,

[00:51:38] for somebody who's never thought of getting married or even finding a person

[00:51:45] that I could be with for the rest of my life or even think of that,

[00:51:51] all of this has been very odd and very uncomfortable. So, you know, it's wild. It's wild and I

[00:52:03] I just keep praying that it'll be a good day. I keep praying that everyone will have fun.

[00:52:18] I pray that I'll receive forgiveness for those who might be upset at me that they didn't get an

[00:52:26] invitation. I pray that, you know, we'll all be there for each other as we need to be or

[00:52:40] come to the reality of our limitations and lovingly do what we have to do in any regard.

[00:52:51] I know that for myself, I feel I've never felt bad about that. I've never misunderstood it when

[00:53:04] people have to do what they got to do for themselves. And even during COVID when I was really upset at a

[00:53:13] lot of people because I knew the ramifications of the actions that were being taken would be

[00:53:18] devastating for us all, even then I understood why people were doing it. I understand each

[00:53:26] person's personal space within that. And I, you know, I don't I can judge it. I did judge it,

[00:53:39] but I don't get to that my determination about it is not the determination about it. It's not,

[00:53:51] but I do get discernment which I'm learning more and more to embrace and to let guide me and to

[00:54:01] be more strategic about. This has always felt cold and calculated to me, but what I've realized

[00:54:09] this is that it's just loving. It's just loving to look at where I'm limited and be realistic within

[00:54:20] that and keep in mind that no matter what, they're still love there. They're still hope and time

[00:54:35] and space because it's eternal if I see it, see it from God's view as best I can.

[00:54:47] So the Facebook page is, I might have invited a few of you already to it. I just made it today.

[00:54:57] Do you think that I'd understand what, you know, what I called it? Of course, I don't remember

[00:55:04] something like Rico and Amy's wedding. And we are starting a hashtag. So this podcast usually,

[00:55:16] you know, I advertise for it all social media spaces that I can Twitter to

[00:55:23] and I want to share something about Twitter or not Twitter. Sorry, X. God, that's terrible.

[00:55:32] Most people know it is Twitter though. X is an odd thing to say, but X.

[00:55:37] I share on all those spaces the podcast, but we're going to start a hashtag. So whether

[00:55:43] you're on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, the hashtag will be Ileano, I-L-L-I-A-N-O 2024.

[00:55:53] So again, that's Ileano 2024 will be our hashtag where we're going to ask people to post photos

[00:56:01] and all this good stuff. And we're going to, you know, have, you know, the virtual space for people

[00:56:13] that do attend the wedding to share what they record, what they witness and all of that in

[00:56:20] this space so that everybody can be there in some regards. And it's a space where if you

[00:56:28] would like to leave a message of support and encouragement, you can do so. And you can,

[00:56:37] you know, share whatever you feel. Again, I can't control the disappointment that anybody

[00:56:47] would feel about not going. You know, it kills me too. On the back end of that though,

[00:57:01] the thing that has kind of been in my heart and my mind is, you know, other celebrations.

[00:57:08] You know, they've always been taxing for me because there's so many people and so many

[00:57:12] families and so much going on in these singular days that we or celebrations that it's just

[00:57:19] impossible to do at all. You know, I'm making this wedding in the heart of

[00:57:30] birthday season for my family. I'm the 24th of August. My dad's the 28th.

[00:57:37] My brother's is September 2nd. I haven't even given him his gift yet. I have to.

[00:57:44] My niece's is the 18th. On my birthday, my birthday, quote unquote alone,

[00:57:53] I know like four other people that share that birthday. On my father's, I know one other

[00:57:59] person on Jared's. I know one other person since childhood where our relationship is tense

[00:58:05] right now, but I she shares it too. I wish her a happy birthday on Aylen's birthday.

[00:58:13] My friend Dora is on her birthday the 18th. So this is some act of in the heart of all of it,

[00:58:20] you know, like, oh, just throw another thing in, you know, in and around all of this,

[00:58:25] the 15th of September, which by the way is when my quarterly taxes is due. So that's,

[00:58:31] you know, wonderful. Right? Like I'm going to be celebrating my anniversary right around when

[00:58:36] I have to pay my quarterly taxes. So I know what I'm doing. But you know, you think about Christmas

[00:58:42] and you think about all these other holidays and you go, wow, you know, there's so much

[00:58:49] in this time. And truth be told, if I didn't want to just tie the knot as soon as I could,

[00:58:57] I would have done it more in February, end of February around Valentine's Day,

[00:59:05] because Rico and I is meeting and coming together. And actually the foundation of when our relationship

[00:59:10] really started was February 26. So that's our that's like our official when we first got

[00:59:19] together day. And I probably would have centered it more around that had I not just wanted to

[00:59:29] really get my life going. And I'm sure those two dates, the September 15th is the wedding day,

[00:59:38] the Sunday and February 26 are going to be the two days that we really kind of

[00:59:44] for ourselves go in and introspect. But you know, we think about Christmas, I still haven't gotten

[00:59:53] some of my cousins their Christmas gifts. Other cousins I have probably never bought gifts for

[01:00:00] there's there's cousins having kids that I barely see. I see them on Facebook. I watch them grow

[01:00:08] on Facebook. You know, a friend's mind that I haven't seen for years that have had kids

[01:00:13] that I don't even see anymore, that that I watch their kids grow on Facebook. I mean,

[01:00:18] it's a lot folks. This is a far cry from the original idea of marriage because

[01:00:26] what we have access to now as far as information towards each other and seeing each

[01:00:31] other is so vast. And again, I'm grateful because it's allowed me to be an artist

[01:00:38] and to sell my wares and to showcase all of that to all of you. And it has carried me to this point,

[01:00:44] but it is overwhelming as hell. And so I have a lot of empathy to anyone who is struggling

[01:00:52] with it in the beginning, because that's where I'm at right now. And that's what I feel

[01:00:59] right now. And so I have a lot of knowledge of what is scary for you. What I could say

[01:01:06] honestly is dig deep, cultivate a relationship with God. It is amazing when you do if you

[01:01:15] haven't already. And I think I have to go because I have to get ready. Pray for me,

[01:01:23] everyone. My dress came in that I ordered and it's abysmal. It's not what I ordered.

[01:01:29] And so now I have to the week before my wedding scramble to try and get something

[01:01:34] together. It's an awful situation, but it's one that I created. And so I have an appointment to go

[01:01:41] try on dresses and see what I can purchase that is a better fit literally for me. But in any event,

[01:01:51] diary listeners, I love you. I have gratitude for you. And God bless. Have a powerful week.

[01:02:00] You know, I will. It's going to be one of the most powerful, definitive,

[01:02:04] definable things of my life that I'm sure will in my heart go down really well.

[01:02:12] So I love you. And I'll catch you God willing the week after as Mrs. Ileana by listeners.

[01:02:26] Thanks for listening. You can find the apprenticeship diaries on Twitter, Facebook

[01:02:30] and Instagram. RIG is the underscore apprenticeship underscore diaries. If you would like to offer

[01:02:36] constructive criticism or an interview, drop us an email at the apprenticeship diaries at gmail.com.

[01:02:42] We look forward to hearing from our listeners.