Ep. 245 "January 14th" (A Diary Entry from your Host)

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome diary listeners. I am I'm starting something completely new this year and with the podcast so I'm I'm really kind of gonna fall into this idea of diary and as I don't really have an idea of what I'm going to call this diary entry I'm just going to date it.

[00:00:28] I think that might be an easy way I'm I confess that I am truly looking for something that makes the production of this more streamlined and consistent.

[00:00:46] Um I feel like I I need that for me and the production of the podcast but also just um you know for you guys the the podcasts that that I enjoy anyway have um a familiarity to them a consistency to them things that I can kind of take part in and um

[00:01:11] I don't I don't think it has to be that formulaic but I do appreciate when you know you you come for a certain vibe and you get it. Um I realize that with me what's what's consistent is the inconsistencies and you just never know what you're gonna get and it kind of makes it fun at times but uh

[00:01:35] I'm working on things people uh I'm trying to master some things about myself uh so this diary entry from me will be called January 14th and uh might you might find it funny that I I didn't know what date it was until until I looked and that's that's typically how my life goes too.

[00:02:01] So I hope you enjoy this uh new beginning fresh start weird uh figuring out what this this is going to be like. Either way I I appreciate y'all truly. Welcome to the apprenticeship diaries where raw meets refined. Let's be real we're still working on refined. What it took what it takes and the stories that are made. Join us as we learn from professionals about how their stories begin.

[00:02:37] All right uh so it's the it's the 14th and uh this new this new vibe at least for me personally I'm I'm going to try something because what I want to try to isolate and convey to you guys is kind of how

[00:03:02] words will fail it's in motion but I really want to try and recant in a moving way how God works in my life and so that I can kind of give you what fuels me. It's very instinctual and I've been blessed with a very

[00:03:29] awesome I feel intuitive nature that has kept me alive and and kept me going. Uh so that that's going to be the task and I'm gonna try to do this on a weekly basis like just kind of go over the week that's passed so that you can you can kind of see how things work in my life

[00:03:57] and I'm hoping that that will I don't know bring you into it a little bit in a way that that lets you see how it works in a moving way and how it actually does work but there's you have a guarantee with God that it will work if you trust and you have faith it's not going to work in the way that you think sometimes it does

[00:04:27] but but very rarely does it because I think very rarely do we understand what we actually need and what we ask for sometimes is more a um a measure of our wants and our comforts rather than our growth and progression and what we genuinely need so I I kind of want to share that with you guys um

[00:04:56] because because this has been really cool for me and um I don't know I'll probably still be seen as crazy by the end of it but uh whatever man uh I I think that that having a diary is really important uh I I I I realize that I actually have been keeping a diary too it's just if you read it you would

[00:05:26] be like this woman is off her rocker uh because because it's more of like taking notes as I go to bible study and um they're just all over the place and uh I realize with this kind of cataloging without context how it's gonna read if when I'm dead somebody picks it up they're gonna be like this woman

[00:05:55] was insane however um it's kind of how I learn I don't I don't typically look back which is something that I think that should be done so that I can maybe mitigate the risk that I'm seen as crazy upon reading this because I I do want to leave behind for people things that are that are accessible tangible tangible

[00:06:26] and and that exalt the glory of God um in a way that only I could if they just throw it off and say this this girl is crazy then I won't succeed in that though I will say that you know in my time as an artist it's either that people get it or they don't get it and you'd be amazed how many people actually get it uh

[00:06:55] meaning your art your expression your your view and how many people like it so I dare to be crazy that's a that's a big that's a big thing just accept that you are and lean into it for whatever it's worth because for better or for worse somebody somewhere is gonna think that you're nuts and what will that matter right like what will it matter so

[00:07:25] in terms of how I'm gonna move through this um I am referencing the notes that I take in bible study I'm looking at my calendar because I'm a visual person I I honestly don't look back that's a big thing with me um it gets me into a lot of trouble I usually get seen as

[00:07:54] very stupid because I pretty much just like it's like cashing your cookies like I just I just you know information dump like like on a regular basis like moving on like I can't I can't hold it maybe it maybe it does mean I'm dumb I don't know it keeps me happy though because uh that you know it's said that

[00:08:23] you should stay present and within the present there is happiness and I I really try to stay there um my my crux is looking too far in the future and getting paralyzed by the fear of what has yet to happen yet and just staying present in the now and really just doing what I can do in the present and reminding myself that I am with agency in this moment

[00:08:54] so that's where I kind of get hung up the past is not really something that I hold on to um I have friends of mine that talk to me about things that happened in middle school and I'm like how do you have the bandwidth for that man like I am truly grateful that somebody in my life has been chronicling things that long because I sure as hell haven't whether it's a photo whether it's a person whether it's a name

[00:09:23] I'm so bad with names like I will forget your name so easily if you are not regularly in my periphery your name is gone man like it might even be gone within the first sentence you utter like I'll hear it you'll introduce it and I'm already collecting data about you that is devoid of your name your name is gone man like it's gone I now know how many dogs you have uh you know

[00:09:53] where you live like I'm I'm I'm like collecting that um like it's so it's so stupid how my brain works truly um but I but I I'm leaning I'm just leaning into the crazy guys I'm just gonna do it and hopefully it's entertaining I don't know I don't know I don't know I'm trying a thing I'm trying a thing uh I I really am so

[00:10:23] starting as of last week um I left you on Tuesday I do believe that I recorded Monday and had it posted by Tuesday which was cool um I don't know if I can ever account to that kind of um preemptive strike when it comes to the podcast um maybe maybe one day let's hope let's hope that one day I have a team of people that can make sure that

[00:10:53] things are done in such a time frame that it's you know not so stressful and so boiled to that procrastination point but that's my way my way really feeds off of procrastination um I find that it's a sweet spot for me it's stressful but it's just how I work I don't know

[00:11:21] so last week I left you at Tuesday I declared some things about the podcast announced a new look which I really like um I think I think it's going to open up the podcast to some wonderful things some energies that it it really wasn't open to before um and that I think will or that I hope I pray will open it up to a multifaceted

[00:11:51] examination of how we get to what we want passion pursuits I'm really I love tattooing I do it's very complicated and they say with love it's a thin line between love and hate and I find that so much with tattooing it's crazy um it's crazy

[00:12:20] because there's a lot I can't control with tattooing and as I am a control freak that bothers me um yeah I'm just gonna get over it um but I don't I don't really the point is of that is I don't really want to spend a lot of my time centered around tattooing it's it's I've

[00:12:51] I've done it long enough that it it kind of is annoying to me to talk about tattooing I know that's terrible I know it's terrible um it's probably why you guys come here you're like how do I do this you just do if you're if you're meant to tattoo you'll tattoo if you're not you won't you know like just pursue it pursue it there's enough

[00:13:20] and that's part of it too is that there's so much online that is about how to tattoo how to get an apprenticeship like my my show even has been um like seized painful pleasures is doing a whole apprentice diaries thing and they're putting out information their product company

[00:13:50] they're going to capture so much of this industry I've spoke about it before but they're they're moving to do that at least here in Maryland and it's happening it's like for me to to I'm just like I'm just like the little guy against the tidal wave I've always been I don't have it in me to

[00:14:22] do the kind of things you have to do in order to scale on that level and in my heart and my mind I cannot feel good about it I can't you know everybody talks about changing your attitude around money it has nothing to do with money um changing my attitude about money I feel like I have about as much of a neutral feeling about money

[00:14:51] as there possibly can be it it's just an exchange of energy and time and and meeting people in in in similar value I don't demonize it I don't anything I I will say that I don't want it to be something that I revere to the point where I forget how to be

[00:15:21] a good person um that is a that is a thing it will not be a god of my life it will not be something that I leverage and sacrifice for um in that way you know like and and the only way I can say about is I will not trade

[00:15:51] my integrity for it there is points to which I will relationship with money um because you know the other the other bit of it is is like how much of how much of what am I buying can I actually provide for

[00:16:21] myself and those things are fun to investigate too and again we have youtube we have all this access to information you know if I need to change something that I would otherwise you know like if I need to replace something that I might pay somebody to do why not see if I could do it myself you know so you know that's that's part of the apprenticeship thing is like examining what you yourself can actually provide

[00:16:50] who you are kind of seeing all these things in motion and you know grappling with

[00:17:57] killed killed me or hurt me worse than it did or gummed me up more than it had or just like this person was put in my life that just completely shifted everything and I can't even imagine what my life would have been like had they not been there and had those things not happened and so what I want to do is kind of communicate that

[00:18:27] to teach another person again they would be stuck with this you know like I I would probably need another person that is very intuitive and and driven by something that they can't even understand either and we would just kind of sync up like my friend Tara she's been on the show Tara Bell she is like that like her and me we meet in such

[00:18:57] weird ways man like like we definitely tap into the same thing and we call it different things we frame it different all of that but we are tapping into the same things and it is fun to hang out with her man because it's just like being around a

[00:19:29] I hope I'll loop back around to this because I do want to progress into some kind of formula here I'm writing it

[00:19:59] a tattoo with a client of mine who moved to Chile in her later years like in her late 60s 70s moved to Chile with her husband and did so because this country was getting crazy and ridiculous and they figured well you know we're getting up there we want to live more simply we want we want to keep a venture alive in our lives you know we can't afford all

[00:20:28] this crap anymore here it's getting too pricey so let's move and so they move and not only do they move but they move they call it the expat kind of places like expatriate which is kind of a nasty way to say it but I guess you could say that the husband is about as passionate about politics in America as apple pie like he really very very

[00:20:58] passionate about being here but I think that they made a choice personally for themselves and so they didn't move where the expats were they which would have allowed them to stay within an English speaking place they moved out in the middle of freaking nowhere Chile in this beautiful smaller home right on the beach and you know all their neighbors

[00:21:28] speak Spanish but I've heard the dialect is what you consider Chilean but what I heard from my new client I won't say his name though I love his name it's very biblical he said that they just talk really fast and so it gets misconstrued as something other than Spanish but it's Spanish so I got to meet

[00:21:58] with him and I had just tattooed my client that moved to Chile and so I had this common vein with him which was really cool and so you know in meeting him it was fun he got a pre designed tattoo that I had made a flash out of and it was inspired by she

[00:22:27] seems lovely I found these collectibles in bush gardens of all things and you know when I found them it was Halloween time we were having a flash day and I don't really I don't I don't really get a pre design piece of art I guess I get it I have I have liked a lot of them

[00:22:57] I just really like meeting with an artist and seeing what they come up with like giving them an idea and seeing what that idea and meeting me will spark for me that's awesome it's kind you and what do they get and what is the vision like for me that's fun and I also feel like it's I don't know

[00:23:28] more worth the money for me because yeah you can get something that's already thought out and if that gives you peace you know and you like it and you just want to buy it but for me when it's flash like that it's it's not your own you know you have to understand that it's not your own you're buying a thing and even though it's a tattoo you're buying a thing that was already

[00:23:58] pre-planned and so what I liked about what we did him and I was that we used this design which I you know it was a collectible that was already created it's a little figurine that exists and is fully in color and I have to give credit to the creator she's on IG

[00:24:27] let me look her up while I'm speaking to y'all but the podcast is still really free form I don't make that big of notes when I'm doing this but I would like to shout her out because it's important that she gets credit so furry bones is just that that's the Instagram it'll show you the collectibles if you want to move further into

[00:24:57] following her which I hope you do because you know she was the brain child behind this idea and she seems lovely she ended up liking the tattoo and saying that it was really cool that wasn't her exact words that wasn't the quote she just liked it and commented on it which I was

[00:25:36] she seems lovely she seems like a creative that would be fun to connect with I you know that's the thing I don't want to be bound within tattooing I want all creatives to uplift each other and to admit that we're all being inspired by each other I think that's really what it comes down to is just saying hey you inspire me you inspire this this thing and your inspiration

[00:26:05] trickled beyond me into this realm so for my client he really liked this little um this little dude that that she had designed that's a I call him a cosmonaut little space dude uh he's got he's real cute he looks like a he looks skeletal so they're kind of creepy cute skeletal

[00:26:35] and um wearing a space suit and he's got like a little he's he himself looking very you know beyond reality and like he's like a stuffed thing he's got his own little stuffed thing like his own little toy which I AI when you think

[00:27:05] about it was created by humans it is an accelerating ability to compute information but but we created it so what it what it computes is the information that human beings have conceived of so it's like a copy of a copy like what we put out is like a copy of what is you know the world around us is what is and our ability to conceive of it is a copy of that and

[00:27:35] then AI is just an accelerated copy of the copy and I think that the tattoo really comments on that in some way and in this very cute way and you know my client was very honest he's like I just like it you know if somebody asks me about it I'm just going to say I just like it and let them go off of it which I do appreciate that attitude of like you know just

[00:28:05] getting something because you like it because it you don't really know how to talk about it I think when it comes down to it it it it it everywhere all at once happening in this singular moment

[00:28:35] that is completely present put to action with just a it's not that there isn't thought that there is this thought that is the marrying of action and reaction emotion and it's just completely emotion so I do think that when you're and I've talked about this with Tara that like you know matters of God or something they're just beyond words you can spend all the words in the world and I'm attempting to with

[00:29:05] this podcast to try and articulate God and it just falls short of words it's beyond it's not impossible um which is what makes it very um you know personal and why when you become a believer you cannot actually give it to anyone they have to

[00:29:34] seek it themselves and they have to find it for themselves and they have to be moved by it themselves very personally but that was what was cool about this time with this client because we were talking about all these things and that's what I people and where they're at and why they like certain things and he customized the piece that I had created because I had created for Halloween for a flash so it was it was even creepier because I had blood spatter

[00:30:04] behind it and like you know it was black and gray it was a hit of red so it was it was stark and confronting and I felt like the gore factor was a little higher in what I had created but it was very intended that way so he he pushed it back into a cute realm we had gone over one thing which he had said that he might want changed about the design which was to give it button eyes and I had done

[00:30:34] it for him and designed it that way and then this was interesting about what happened I showed it to him you know in the effort to make it his you know personalize it at the last minute he was like please don't hate me don't kill me and I was like I won't kill you I mean I don't I'm not going to try to kill you I might kill you I don't

[00:31:06] if it's your time you your time but anyway he he was like I don't think I with another little guy which I will totally post a picture of on the podcast so y'all can reference what the hell I'm saying but um

[00:31:36] uh what he noted was when you put the doll eyes on it it made it dead er it took expression away from it and that was kind to see and explore it pulled him into my world a little bit and into the creation of the things and he's a he's a computer guy so he's

[00:32:06] he's studying and has studied computer science and works with software development so I think for him to kind of see the inner workings of that and to rationalize it in a way that was kind of completely outside of what he typically does was fun for him and to see how changing that one thing really changed the entire

[00:32:35] thing in a way that was very potent that he didn't anticipate and he wouldn't have known unless I showed it to him and I know that a lot of tattoo artists and artists get frustrated with people because they're like you said he wanted this and I gave you what you wanted and now you don't want it so going back to what I led with I don't think that we know what we

[00:33:24] know we about it happened but when we put the doll eyes on there the button eyes it became dead like it just made it dead I don't know how to describe it and that's snowballed into talking about Coraline and then I was able to share with him Neil Gaiman and he knew about Coraline he knew about

[00:33:54] the book he liked the book that's what the inspiration for the button eyes were was all of that but he had never actually listened to Neil Gaiman and so I had the blessing of being able to open him up to listening to the man which I think is his own thing because not only is he an incredible writer and it's fun to read somebody and you put

[00:34:24] your own thinking to it and the way that you read and your own cadence to the writing it transcends and it's amazing but it's also awesome when you get somebody who writes well and when they read what they write it elevates it to a higher level because their voice is so perfect to the way it's written that it's awesome

[00:34:54] to give you an example of somebody that I feel like I love their writing but I do not like how they read it is Jordan Peterson and it's funny because getting to South America again and people from a foreign space that look at it differently it was my friend Natalie Saki I'm saying it wrong Natalie forgive me

[00:35:24] but she is a tattoo artist and she's from Brazil and she's awesome her family is Japanese but she's grown up most of her life in Brazil so she speaks Portuguese and Japanese and American and you know all of it fabulous and she she said you know I really like what Jordan Peterson has to say I just hate listening to him I don't think she used hate but she

[00:35:54] said it's difficult to listen to him because there's so much emotion in his voice and his voice is such a pitch that it's grating and I have to admit that I concur you know like it does matter when you're listening to information to find the voice that that you like and if you can't find that voice that you like that it just the information can't get in so sometimes you're just

[00:36:23] you're just damned to reading the book I guess or not getting the information I guess maybe it was just never meant to be but I find that with Jordan Peterson like I love what he writes I agree with him I love him but listening to him read a book that he's written is hard I'm

[00:36:53] not gonna lie and Neil Gaiman is the exact opposite I don't always agree with him not that you could agree with somebody who going along with and playing with that's what it is I like playing with him in the scapes

[00:37:23] that he creates and I think that that's what he really tries to do is keep things playful and him so I played for him the commencement speech and I do think it was

[00:37:53] like 2011 maybe might even been older or 14 I don't know but it's it's a good it was it was a good 14 it was a good decade you know later that we're listening to this and it still has relevance and potency which I also think is the measure of good art which is what he was talking about make good art and that speech is that

[00:38:22] in itself it is good art because it transcends time and space it really really does and I think it's forever relevant to creatives if you have not listened to Neil Gaiman's commencement speech listen to it it's a good 20 minutes of your life please take a moment take the cosmonaut dude I share that with him and

[00:38:52] you could tell that it unleashed something in him because then he started talking to me about how he loves music and we started talking about differences between America and Chile he was a lot younger than me he was 24 so like for me at 43 it just blows my mind the fact that I was graduating high school when this kid like wasn't even born yet like that if you are

[00:39:33] this point and exchanging with them is so interesting and he was such a cool person and I was and I'm happy because I get to work with him again after he got his cosmonaut dude we agreed to work together again and he has more work for me and he didn't know if I'd be into the things that he wants but you know like his little cosmonaut dude there are things that matter to him they're not hard they're not needing of any design really on

[00:40:02] my part they just are what they are they're copies of copies and all I have to do is be a good copier which you know in tattooing once you get to my phase of it you can decide to make it your art form and really lean into it and be that in itself which a lot of my friends have done or I think you lean into

[00:40:34] your crowd and being a facilitator and I think for me I really like being a facilitator for people I really like giving them what they want I really really do it's probably the people pleaser in me but I just really like giving people what they want not many people come to tattooing the way I do which is you know

[00:41:04] give an artist an idea and see what happens you can and it it it it for more work

[00:41:32] so you know that's how I stay endlessly busy too and why if you're a person waiting in my queue for work that's probably why you're not getting moved up faster because if somebody is to do less work because I've already done

[00:42:02] a lot of the things with this person that I'd have to do with a new person over again which is meet you pull you into my system my ways you already get a sense of what you're going to get when you get

[00:42:32] there and it's just easy then we already know we like each other we can tolerate each other all of that so it just becomes something that's nice whereas every new person we have to decide whether or not we actually like each other as people and that's important to me now because I have done this long enough and been my own person enough honestly openly to

[00:43:02] have somebody say to me that they wish they would be able to rip their skin off where I've touched them just based on something that wasn't even art related that was just personal to me about who I am and what I am and what I did and to have that reaction from someone it leads me to believe that I have to be willing to let people walk away

[00:43:32] I mean lately my followers on Instagram just keep going down and down and down I'm following more people on Instagram than are following me now and that's on my biggest page that's on the that's on the coup de gras you know long standing Amy page that I've had forever a Nichols tattoos that's that's my Instagram that's my Facebook that's my website my personal website so I'm just seeing

[00:44:01] retention go down and down and down and again this is in pursuit of God because you have to be in the world not of the world you have to fear God it's cutting fat it's all I wish it was literally cutting fat because I feel like I'm getting fatter um that's a whole other mission that I hope I can scale anyway

[00:44:32] let's we've been talking now like I've been talking now and I haven't even past Wednesday so let's move on um I feel like my client and my Cosmodot dude has gotten enough but I hope you've gotten some tips in there like you're like oh I hope they don't get mad at me you know for doing this see you know come out most most artists just want recognition that they inspired

[00:45:02] you so let them know you inspire them usually nothing will happen usually they'll be grateful usually if they're to that level where they can inspire you and be that you know they're making so much money off of what they're already doing and so in the vein of what they know they are about that they're not going to care that you were inspired by what they did they're just going to be happy to hear that they inspired you and and their creations

[00:45:32] created other creations and that it kept everything moving and that's I think a sincere artist and creative is that again it's not about the acquisition of wealth or ownership or what you possess or what you get credit for it's more about like being in it and moving with it and knowing that what you did spawned more

[00:46:01] creation connection beauty that it that it gave joy I think that that's that's what all of us want is to affect people in this very positive way that awakened something in them that they probably haven't felt in a very long time and I think that happened Wednesday with my client so I'm excited

[00:46:31] to work with him again I'm very happy I get to and yeah yeah it's cool it's very very cool so Thursday I just had a few consultations but I think it's interesting because the consultation that I first had was with a girl we had to postpone it because I think she had made her first consultation on New Year's Day or something like that and I realized she she was a

[00:47:02] blessing that she relocated it to a more neutral day in January for everyone and yeah like we're covering up some things we're altering some things so it was interesting but I was confronted with my past with her because she had been tattooed by my former apprentice and my only apprentice that was successful and went into tattooing

[00:47:32] afterwards and she loved the tattoo love the tattoo and but because we had we had encountered the same person and the same tattooing we were able to have a whole dialogue about not only the tattoo the experience the person but I think she also felt kind of sold on me because she then knew that not only did I know the person that she isn't able to get into with right

[00:48:02] now but that I helped formulate that talent into a working tattoo professional and that I was very linked to that story and it was nice to talk to somebody like that and interesting that I was very open and willing for her to walk away from me because I was like you know

[00:48:31] the only thing I can give you is my side of it my story my piece of it my attitude towards all of it said I I not going to put

[00:49:04] on a show I'm not going to be anything but what I am and what has happened it's just I can't do it man I can't I can't hold it all up like I said I can't even remember what happened I had to look at a calendar for me to like do anything more than just tell you the truth as I

[00:49:47] it was great because I had realized that there's very little anger left like virtually none the only thing that I feel is a genuine want and prayer for my apprentice those who know no I'm not the reason why I'm not saying names is because I

[00:50:18] don't know what name to use that that's still there frustration still there within that but but the heart of the feelings is love and compassion and a want for growth and betterment and all things good so there's a genuine prayer that I put out for my apprentice and you know when I'm when I'm

[00:50:48] getting work from from from my apprentice when my apprentice is to the point where they're not able to take on work right now and I'm now getting the spillover of that work I do think that that's a very cool place to have arrived to and a place where

[00:51:18] you know I understand and I can give prayer and I can give support from where I'm sitting and just pray that everything gets put back in place but I guess what I'm saying is that if I'm available for that and my apprentice isn't oh that's an interesting place that's all I'm going to say it was and I felt like a sense

[00:51:48] of accomplishment just in myself that I'm like I'm still in it you know like I'm still in the game I'm still plugging along I'm able to review what has happened and done in these interesting ways that come up where I don't have to remember them really I just am put before them again and like oh how do I feel about that now and the truth is I there's no anger frustration frustration I don't know I feel like

[00:52:18] frustration was probably the majority of it anyway all of it really the anger came from from how I personally was treated by the end but I don't have that now not at all honestly I think it was a good call to part ways and not force anything which was pretty

[00:52:47] much our last conversation was like why force it and true why it's not worth it it's too much energy it's hurting both of us it's too frustrating so it's creating bad things so let's walk away so I don't I don't really have any anger none lots of compassion lots of forgiveness lots of prayer still some frustration because I still don't understand a lot of things but whatever it's cool

[00:53:19] sometimes we only have a season with people but it was kind of cool to revisit that and then later in the day I had a consultation with a client that I haven't seen in a long time and it's a very potent tattoo idea that I think is very and I guess I offer this for anybody you know artist wise always talk to

[00:53:48] your client you know the idea might strike you as a bad idea right away but pick it apart pick it apart because they're commissioning you to do something that they feel very very potent about and I think it's worth you looking at and really trying to understand and

[00:54:18] that's what happened with my client she wants a she wants a piece that really really examines the monk that set himself on fire during Vietnam Vietnam now she has served our country she has felt I think more than any person could ever feel about

[00:54:48] what it is to serve your country and be in that setting and all the different facets about it with the romance stripped away from it from with the realities very much so given to it and I have to admit that I only looked at her she did like a

[00:55:17] mock up for me of the idea and right away I was kind of like I don't know if you should get this tattoo do you like this is intense man and where it was going was on her lower back and I was thinking about a lot of things I'll be honest with you I was thinking about her husband too you know like if in certain times and

[00:55:47] spaces mostly sexy time you know I don't want to remove anything from anyone but like you know he's married to her so I'm fairly certain that he's aware of who she is personality wise intensity all of that you know they're in love with each other and they both have served our country so they both I think are each other's sanity and safe space so you know I can't she

[00:56:17] wants this on her mid back so it's a statement that she's making and that she's going to make to other people and that's what setting yourself on fire is so a lot of our conversation was about that like and what I really came down to when I finally looked at the actual images of the monk on fire which is an intense photo I

[00:56:46] really want as many people as possible if you're listening to this to look at those photos it's potent man it's potent I got what she was going for as soon as I saw the photos and I was like whoa you know this is this goes beyond words and she was having trouble articulating it to me and of course I'm

[00:57:16] full of words and full of articulation mine were more warnings mine were more like hey you know this is a potent statement this you're making to other people this people are going to see when they're on the beach trying to have a nice time you know vacationing you know like this is what you're doing you know you're you're going to be forcing somebody's face in the shit at all times maybe

[00:57:45] even at times where you're trying to have a good vacation and not think about it because people talk about my back piece and I'm like I'll forget it's there and be like oh shit yeah I'm in this conversation now do I want to be so I told her I

[00:58:23] think if you're going to wear something like this that's that's what kind

[00:58:56] ride pretty much afforded by people like her honestly and her husband so there's a lot of gratitude and honor in being the vessel that can help her comment in this way and what I ultimately decided upon when I decided to to recant are because I always write down my consultation process as long and involved it's

[00:59:26] enduring my thought process and seeing how I think about it and you know showing them what I've understood about the idea and what my take homes are and writing that down and showing it to them in a consultation form so that they know what I'm going to be concentrating on as I design this and sometimes there's always pictures measurements all you're a

[00:59:56] person who wonders how we do it I try to break it down verbally so that if you're an auditory learner if you're visual learner if you're all these different learning things and then you know we're going through it in motion so that you're not removed from how it's created if you're a tactile learner you're brought into how this is made which is important for me because if I can show you how I make it

[01:00:25] you can meet me in the middle and we can make easier together because I do like like I said I want to give people what they want but we have to meet in the middle there you have to know what I need in order to give you what you want so and sometimes like in terms of my Wednesday client I give you know we know the run around with that fortunately for him it was

[01:00:55] so easy that it didn't matter and I already had the thing prior designed so when he switched right back to what we had started with it was not a big deal and there was no fee involved you know those are the things that get gummed up with me is that like you're commissioning something and I give it to you

[01:01:39] issue with taking people's money if there ends up being more work because there's just more work we didn't know but you're getting this permanently on your body so it has to be right right and sometimes you get there on the first shot sometimes you don't you know and if you're the kind of person who just wants what you want you better wait until you see it and oftentimes that's just

[01:02:08] a tattooer somebody who's skilled in tattooing who can tell you yay or nay we can do that we can't do that and then they can do it and it is what it

[01:02:47] look got got from point a to point b because if you know your style and you know it is not hyper realism why would you ever ever

[01:03:17] ever concede doing a tattoo like just that's what blows my mind sometimes with that's what I consider predatory and that's what I think is just it's why I don't really like I don't like you know certain why tattooing it's a love hate you know because like I love my clients I love tattooing but other tattoo artists

[01:03:47] you know which is what this podcast really spun off of I like some and we can talk here at nauseam it's not my sign off on whether or not I like them it's just simply I respect them enough to have them on the show and everybody has a story and that's what I really wanted to facilitate within the podcast is that everybody has a story

[01:04:16] as a creative as a person as a god fearing person for me at this point it's not for me to judge a person outright until I know their story and that's even if I'm interested in their story if their story if they're not coming into my frame of reference in any way they're not asking anything for me it really doesn't even matter if I have a judgment about them they're just a person

[01:04:46] you know but what I want people to understand is everybody has their personhood their experience their story it is really hard to judge another unless you know that and so like pulling you into some sense of compassion for your fellow human I do think is necessary to serve to at the very least work around people and I've seen it and even just in this time talking which I can't even believe

[01:05:16] that it's been an hour already my god that my clients feel that when they're in the tattoo room I know they do I know they're touching something that they haven't experienced in a really long time it's it's something that the soul itself is hungry for and I think that's why people like me

[01:05:49] because because I'm just that kind of weird man but getting back to the monk on fire let's get serious it's a potent image and what I told my client was I want to make something that is difficult to look at but you can't look away from that it has that kind of intensity I

[01:06:25] like like the photo where when you look at it it's beautiful and horrific at the same time and it's such a statement in itself and that's what my client is really trying to encapsulate because you know she's she's she's fought a lot of fights that other people haven't fought and I

[01:06:55] know a bit about her history in the space and time that we've spent together already tattooing that I'll not share but it's intense man like she has been in such intense situations that I can't even imagine and I have so many clients like this where I hear about their lives and I'm like whoa man whoa god praise god

[01:07:25] for my life like I have such respect and awe for it you know and we're all human like it just it just blows my mind the vastness of what the human expression can be I was talking to Tara about that it was like she loves nature and I said of course it's god's like greatest painting it's like of course it's it's so perfect it's

[01:07:55] so divinely connected and amazing nature is such a piece um it's just so cool and she really doesn't find a lot of peace with humans and I um understand her

[01:08:33] how would complicate things and leave you with something that I think is worth leaving you with for the week because I have been it's been put before me to meditate on so I'll put it before you and it's great because it's god's word but anyway moving on so Friday um I just did art and it was unexpected and cool art too because

[01:09:03] so my mother-in-law she got a gnome from me one year for Christmas I painted this wood cut out gnome and gifting people was really hard for me I don't know why but I really want to give people cool gifts like I don't want to you know like if I

[01:09:32] I really hate that shit man like I think that I think that helps more that's more of a an expression of love and all the stuff than forced celebration and then now I

[01:10:02] see things like Christmas is like we're celebrating the birth of Christ and our salvation and all of that so it has a completely different context for me it's very weird I I don't know like I'm getting there folks like I'm trying trying really hard to enjoy Christmas I do enjoy it for a lot of points and I see a lot of value in it more than I ever did when I was younger

[01:10:32] and funny enough because I got a lot more gifts when I was younger but I do I see I see the beauty more but I still struggle with it because I really just want to hang out with people anyway it's hard I was told that she loves the gnome and she would want more gnomes she was like can I get a springtime gnome and

[01:11:02] then her want one for every season and so I order these gnomes and at the same time I have a client who I've had since the beginning she has some of my earliest works and we differ in so many ways I don't even halfway understand why she likes coming to me I get I don't know

[01:11:32] I think she just respects me and respects the art and loves the art and enjoys how I make the art and all of it and for her I think it's it's a breath of fresh air and maybe even a

[01:12:06] how do I put this like I believe all things have energy and things like that but you know I'm I'm not I'm not gonna pray to anything or go to anything and put that much faith or effort into it it's it's it's a it's a exchange thing it's a gift you know like

[01:12:35] what I what I appreciate about it is that it's lovely it came to me she gave it to me I will always remember her as that and it's kind of a nice thing because I'm leaving her with a tattoo that she'll remember remember forever and so it's kind of a neat exchange because unlike money which I'll go and I'll spend on something else you know that's that's a tip that a lot of people give me I'll have I'll have something that imprints

[01:13:05] her on my life and that's wonderful and my tattoo room the actual room is just flooded with this stuff you know it's flooded with trinkets of people who have given me something that was not money as a tip but was considerate and they've added to the space and so it's the space itself has become

[01:13:35] kind of an altar to tattooing and the bodies and souls that have been left there and I've actually had an energy healer in my and she said you know the greater part of this building feels off it's very weird and I was even talking about this with my mother this this week too when we moved into that space it's my

[01:14:05] dad's salon he's retiring at this year the business is shutting down but we had some really weird happenings in the shop and we had asked the former owners who were Jehovah's Witnesses and they had their church there that's what it was it was a Jehovah's Witness kingdom hall before it became a

[01:14:48] what what what his name because you know we really we really just wanted to tell him like hey bro like we know you're here because you just like go easy on us today like we're not we're not trying to

[01:15:19] Paul the poltergeist we ended up calling him sorry my yeti microphone just decided to not work for a second so Paul the poltergeist he would do weird stuff in the salon and currently my pastor is like you had a demon in there no soul that's left behind is actually the person it's not it's not good

[01:15:49] and it's not gonna do anything good and it it did it was creepy um he was creepy what Paul that's what we ended up calling him and you know we would just say like Paul you know like don't mess with us and so for the energy healer to come in and say you know Paul you know like there's some there's a weird energy she said it's a smell and energy throughout the rest of the salon

[01:16:19] but she said your room isn't filled with that it's different back here it's cleaner the air is different there's not stagnation in the air or staleness it's it's flowing it's it's alive and it's very good um so I had that reported by somebody who you know their job is being that attuned to energy and what I said to my mom is like I still feel

[01:16:49] him there like there's a middle place in the salon it was upstairs that he would mostly wreak havoc and he had his time there but as everything moved downstairs and stopped happening upstairs I think he left that realm and now it's in the middle of the salon there's a part where I walk by it and see you have mirrors everywhere so it can mess with your eyes the lighting but every time I walk past this middle section of the salon I feel like somebody sitting

[01:17:19] there and watching like I always catch them and in my heart I'm like Paul quit messing with us but anyway back to my client she always leaves me with beautiful crystals and that's kind of her exchange and I love them they're gorgeous and they sit and I keep them in in the studio because I feel like if they're going to collect any energy they should collect that energy

[01:17:49] and they already have hers which is what I want there so needless to say when I ordered these gnome cutouts I got a free cutout with it and it's so weird so freaking weird I can't even fully speak about it until I give it to her because she ended up having to cancel her appointment with me where I could give it to her but Friday I painted this cutout for her because I wanted to give her something and she said you don't have to give me anything and I

[01:18:18] just told her I said I don't have to do anything but die and pay taxes but I had literally been thinking about this that was a really neat thing that God delivered to been there since

[01:18:48] the beginning and we shared some really cool moments she didn't even get tattooed by me at first she got tattooed by my friend Evan so like she has wonderful tattoos such great beautiful tattoos and she's really fun as a person and I think has a she's very quirky and just lovely and in very unique ways and

[01:19:17] our exchange is very unique and like I said we don't agree about a lot we don't even recognize the same faith she's Jewish I'm a Christ follower so you know there's a lot of differences but it's very cool how we come together in our very specific ways and I really do appreciate that she at least exhibits a true what I consider a true

[01:19:47] measure of tolerance because you know you can't have that much notable difference between two people and come together still but she always finds I think a currency that allows her to keep coming and sitting with me and we haven't reached our point where we we disconnect yet and I think it's very special

[01:20:17] so I got this cut out I'm not like I asked for it in in

[01:21:02] so yeah I still gotta sign it and I still gotta clear code it so it's good it's good that the next day Saturday she ended up canceling we had a consultation scheduled we really didn't need it I was gonna actually do her hair for her we got into that she hurt her shoulder and I know how to do all that stuff so but she was like I'll figure the hair thing out it's snowing I can't clean off my car nobody's available to me my shoulder and I was like that's cool

[01:21:31] it snowed and it had snowed prior but it snowed more Saturday and I trying to fix is my biorhythms and habits that make me a better person but anyway I was like cool yeah we can cancel the only other thing that I had scheduled today was this

[01:22:01] awesome thing which was an art jam at 1 11 central time which I actually happens to be my friend faith who's also been on the podcast who is now in Thailand which is dope happens to be her birthday of course it would be her birthday because she's that awesome but like

[01:22:33] yeah and during all of that which this is this is cool I had throughout the week my friend Ashley who I met through my friend John Simmons who took his life this time last year and all of that kind of forced me into this extreme awareness of the fact that it had been a year since my friend was gone and gone

[01:23:03] missing and the entire reason why I know Ashley is because of John and because of his death and she is such a great person I mean truly truly truly like probably one of the kindest people I've ever met genuinely kind like I can't it's to the point where

[01:23:32] I feel like it's my like my therapist encountering me for the first time when she met me she told my mom that I was the kind kind of the she had ever met but it was problematic because I had a terrible issue with boundaries and I just did not know how to help myself and set good boundaries that kept me from getting hurt

[01:23:56] and um if I had any critique with Ashley it would probably be that but she's so um I don't know I don't I don't she's not asking for that from me so I can't offer it but um that is my only worry about her

[01:24:17] um she's just beautiful and super kind and such a gift that after everything that happened with John just having her there but she had texted me earlier in the week about a side issue that you know involved John and his life um and the people in his life um but she she didn't talk about John

[01:24:46] really and um but it it made me remember him in a very grateful way um because I don't ever want to forget John John is such a beautiful being to me and so amazing to me that it felt like a gift to hear from her and to think about that

[01:25:13] and then because I had this 111 art jam I oh and I forgot something I have to tell you guys about oh my god this podcast is longer than I ever thought I thought it would be brief you know like I try to articulate God and I think it's gonna be brief please uh

[01:25:39] but you know it's cool I'm I'm happy that it's filling time that I never thought it would and I and I hope it's tracking you guys are enjoying it and and carrying you this far um so um

[01:26:09] um um um um

[01:26:39] um um uh

[01:27:08] uh uh

[01:27:39] uh um um um um

[01:28:10] um um um um um um um um um um um

[01:28:49] um um um um um um um um

[01:29:18] um um um um uh um um um priceless and deserves to go to somebody that I feel like should have a priceless gift like this.

[01:29:46] Now, I don't know if Ashley listens to my podcast, but I think I want to send it to you or give it to you. Hold on until we see each other again, because I really love Ashley. Um, yeah, she's one of these people who like drops into your life for very potent reasons. But anyway, um, I thought that during this art jam, that should be what I work on and that that

[01:30:15] should be a focus, you know, finish, finish something in honor of John, in honor of what I know I had let go for a full like year and some change because he killed himself and because I couldn't give it to him anymore. And I had started this with every intention of it being his and like, what do you do with it? And at one point I was like, well, maybe I should give it to his kids, but

[01:30:45] in every way that seems weird. And who knows, it might end up in their hands anyway. Um, because, you know, God is miraculous and things I think wind up where they should be ultimately, but my heart keeps saying that Ashley should have it. So I finished them and I finished them correctly

[01:31:09] because of Ashley. And we actually exchanged, she, she told me about four of them, but there's a fifth and it's actually a pentacle that, that, that they move in. And I shared with her an article that inspired what I was doing because I had to research it. I didn't know I was just doing it because I love John and I was tattooing things like this and I was trying to understand, you know, what he was

[01:31:35] looking at and what, what, and I love, I love stuff like that. I love theology. I love mythos. I love, and that's what I told Tara when we were talking about her loving nature. I said, I like, I like what humans do. I like what humans see when they're absorbing nature and natural law and God. I like,

[01:32:01] I like seeing what their products are when they conceive of these things and they try to bring them out and they, they use their gifts, their God-given gifts to bring them to fruition. I love art. I love art because it's, it's the copy of the copy. And I love that filter. I think it's so

[01:32:28] cool to see what a person does with all that's in front of them in this world. It's, it's so cool. And it's very neat to participate in it in a small way, but yeah, so I finished it and I used the 111 art jam. But before that, before Tuesday, that week at church, I was sitting there and I was thinking

[01:32:57] about my name and this is very self-aggrandizing, so pardon me, but it's a neat little nugget to people who have the same name as me, Amy. I was thinking about it and my name is not biblical. It comes from the French word, which I am trying to learn French too in the most pathetic way, Duolingo,

[01:33:19] uh, like, you know, 10 minutes a day for like 900 and some days. And, uh, yeah. So I was like, you know, my name is in the Bible. And when I was baptized, which I still haven't shared with you guys either. It's terrible. I don't know why. I just haven't put out those photos. I took lots of photos, whatever. Um, it's not whatever. It's a big thing. I, my baptism was great. Um, but when I was

[01:33:49] baptized, you know, you're supposed to give like a little testimony and I quoted the Bible and, um, and how the Bible spoke to me and I, I, uh, wow. I wish I, I recalled what I quoted. It's terrible that I don't recall it. The Bible is so vast and I'm trying so hard to learn so much of it. Maybe I'll make that

[01:34:18] a note for next week to like, make sure that I tell you guys about my baptism. Maybe that's what I can explore. Baptism, underlining it, um, Bible verse. All right. But my name in French means beloved, the beloved. It comes from the French word on me, which is, or amie, which is to love or to

[01:34:44] like. And, um, so I don't know. I was just sitting there in church, my ADD, you know, it, I want to be fully present there, but it's a lot. My mind goes a lot of different places and I just kind of let it. So as I'm sitting in church in, in the sermon during service, I'm thinking to myself,

[01:35:08] my name is not in the Bible. I know. And it means beloved. And I know beloved's in the Bible because that's what I brought up during my baptism and with my testimony and within the quote. And then I thought to myself, I wonder how many times, I wonder how many times beloved is said in the Bible because I looked up prior, how many times fear not

[01:35:34] is in the Bible. And I'll have, you know, it's 365 times, which means that every single day of the year, starting this new year, you can remind yourself to fear not. It is that potent that God gifted us enough within his word to say, fear not so that you can remind yourself every single day of the year

[01:35:58] to not be afraid. But beloved, how many times? And when I looked it up, apparently it says beloved 111 times. Isn't that crazy? So technically my name is said 111 times. And I noted that that week.

[01:36:26] And I was, I heard about it just, it popped up, it popped up. I didn't have a lot of notifications. I think I caught, I caught the message when it was out there or the algorithm fed it to me as soon as it happened because I had searched already 111 in some kind of way and AI and computing and algorithms

[01:36:49] and the internet and all, it's all listening, um, showed me Michelle Wartman and, um, Guy Atchison's post about their 111 gallery that's going up, art jam and celebration for the new year that was going to happen on 111 at 1111 central. And it was all kind of amazing and divine and weird that like,

[01:37:19] that would, that would occur to me. And so I shared it on their thread, you know, when they were posting about this art jam, which is early in their week and share with them the quirky happening about my name. And I just wanted to give it to anybody who's named Amy, uh, out there that, that we are the beloved and that our name is actually said 111 times in the Bible.

[01:37:47] Uh, which, you know, it's transcended space, time, languages, everything. So I feel like if you're reading the Bible, you know, it goes beyond language. Obviously the word of God reaches you in different ways with different languages and it carries through all space and time and it hits you

[01:38:12] different. I've, I've reread this. I haven't read the whole Bible yet, guys. I admit it. It's a, it's a goal, but I've reread parts over and over again and they hit me differently every single time. And it's so amazing how that happens. It's, it's really incredible. I really invite you. And now

[01:38:35] that we've gotten to the end of the week, um, I think I'm going to leave because this podcast has gone on so long. I did bring up my time at church, which is kind of my reset. So I think maybe that should be the beginning of my week instead of the end. You know what I'm saying? Like I called upon what happened last, well, not attending last Sunday because Sunday's already passed, but the Sunday

[01:39:03] before this last one, you know, like the one that preceded last week's podcast. That's what I called upon. Maybe that's what should be the thing is that like, I sit on what happened at church for a week and then see how it manifests throughout the week. Maybe that's better. You know, talk about this week's church experience next time when there's already been a Sunday past, you know, that's

[01:39:31] probably good. Um, because we've, we've reached almost an hour and a half, no over an hour and half. And I don't really want this podcast to be crazy. And I'm hoping that now that I have like a, I don't know, a rhythm to this in a way that it'll be more streamlined. I don't know, man. Like I

[01:39:53] just love to talk. Um, but yeah, that came up at church and it transcended and manifested throughout the week and spoke to me in very integral ways in ways that allowed me to finish an art project in ways that comforted me in terms of a friend that recognized it, recognized a fallen friend that

[01:40:20] fueled a lot of this week. I didn't make much money this week. So I think that says something. I, I put myself to my craft, my art and in many different facets throughout this week. It's something that's a goal. I want my art to have diversity in it. Uh, it's probably not going to yield a lot of money, but I don't know. I don't know what it will do, but I want to reconnect with

[01:40:50] art beyond tattooing and beyond, uh, my iPad, uh, because it's messing with my eyes and I think I need lighting that is not, I need to be looking at paper and wood and touching these kinds of elements because it, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm getting too, uh, I'm getting hurt by these technology tools. I want to

[01:41:17] use them. I want them to profit me in some really awesome ways, but I do not want them to rule me and I don't want them to destroy me. So I have, I have to take breaks away from it. Um, which means I might probably less money, which is fine. It's cool, but I have to, um, and I got to play with so many people

[01:41:42] this week and there were so many different inferences and stuff that I didn't even, I didn't even talk about. I mean, that's just a week guys. I mean, really, I could have talked about any of these things so much more than I did and shared, but, um, as this is an art piece in itself, a diary entry in itself, I'll, I'll spare you and I'll leave you with this, uh, what I experienced today because I start

[01:42:09] my day in a terrible way and I usually open up social media and tackle my, my notifications there and typically get caught up though. I'm trying to be a lot more conscious of how much I sit and examine

[01:42:28] posts and get, get kind of lost in, in the feeds. But, um, first thing that popped up on Facebook beyond looking at my notifications was my friend, Mike, who I've yet to have on the show. I really do want to have on the show. I met him when I, um, when I, before I started podcasting,

[01:42:55] podcasting, when I started investigating public speaking is when I met Mike and he, uh, was the president for a minute, uh, of our, uh, Toastmasters group. And he's lovely. He's such a, I've had really great interactions with Mike and rather confrontational ones. And he's took it on his cheek. I mean, he's,

[01:43:18] he's pretty, he's a very diplomatic man, I think. And, um, a lot more graceful than me in a lot of ways and always smiling, you know, just like a perpetual smile. Um, you can tell there's a lot behind it behind the smile, like a lot of intensity, great guy. Um, pray for him. He found out he has cancer.

[01:43:45] They, they caught it. They have a, an action plan, but he, he does, and he did put it out there, um, that he has it. So it's not like I'm telling you guys something that's a secret or that he wants to keep secret. I think a part of it for him is sharing it with everybody and just kind of working it through so that he can, he can manage it himself. Um, but pray for him because right now

[01:44:10] is, uh, I, I, you know, cancer is sucky on its own, but like, I feel like right now with our medical system and everything, it's just so much more sucky. Um, so be there for him and pray for him. If you could, my friend, Mike Sheila. And, uh, but he, he posted this page of what he's reading.

[01:44:37] And I, I think it was called beast like something stillness, like was the name of the book that he's reading. And it has an author. Let me look it up so that I can at least shout out this person. But my, what I said to him was pretty much the cliff notes of what this one page of this whole book

[01:45:05] outlined, which was that, um, yeah, it was like a longer version than what the word of God has already told us to do. And it just made me laugh. Um, so the book is called, the book is called stillness is key and it's by Ryan holiday or holiday, sorry, Brian holiday.

[01:45:31] And, um, he said, all of those books are awesome. And, and I'm sure as he's grappling with cancer and all of this stuff, you know, reading, reading things like that is probably a piece, but I laugh because, and I wasn't laughing at him. I was laughing at humans and humanity and how we just

[01:45:54] complicate freaking everything. It's so crazy. But my mind went right to Psalm 46 10, which is be still and know I am God. And you know, this man, Ryan holiday, a holiday. I keep saying holiday. Cause I dated a man that was named holiday, but it's holiday. This man, Ryan holiday wrote a whole book.

[01:46:18] Stillness is key. And the Bible says it in the most blatant matter of fact, concise way. But this whole page, let me read it to you. If this doesn't give you the long version, which this

[01:46:40] podcast is the long version of my week, I think, you know, she makes me laugh. Um, this is the page and I'll share it with you. The domain of the soul. That is why those who seek stillness must come to develop a strong moral compass, steer clear of envy and jealousy and harmed harmful desires come to terms with the painful wounds of their childhood, practice gratitude and appreciation for the world

[01:47:08] around them, cultivate relationships and love in their lives, place belief and control in the hands of something larger than themselves. God, that's my addition. Understand that there will be, there will never be enough in quotes and that the unchecked pursuit of more ends only in bankruptcy. Our soul is where we secure our happiness and unhappiness contentment or emptiness, and ultimately determine

[01:47:37] the extent of our greatness. We must maintain a good one. And so I, I just gave the Psalm and I, I basically wrote, you know, the more I read the word, the more I understand how much we humans complicate things. I am so guilty of this that it makes me laugh. We are so silly. I know I struggle

[01:48:03] with being told to do anything. If I can't understand, I will not move. Falling into faith and trying to have a relationship with God has been some of the hardest and most confronting work I've ever done. I am very wicked. And when I look at my thinking, it's very clear. It takes active recognition

[01:48:28] at every moment to isolate the thoughts and repent to truly reach that stillness that is spoke of. Isn't it amazing that simple doesn't mean easy? I get a kick out of how difficult it is to be simple. In fact, I envy those who seem to have more ability with it, which of course, you know, the thing says not to do that. We know it's a sin. You shouldn't envy. I do it. Like I said, I'm wicked. And then I thanked Mike for

[01:48:56] sharing. And then I told him I'd send him love and prayers. So I just wanted to share that with you because I have tried folks. I have tried to do the clean thing. I have tried to enact systems that everybody does. I think it's an idiot, a fool's venture to reinvent the wheel when

[01:49:22] you already have something that's rolling. Business is very much so like that. But for better, for worse, guys, I've gone to gurus. I've gone to, to people who know money, who know how to make you more, who I, I know their systems. I know it's simple. I cannot do it. It's just like God in my head. I

[01:49:49] like, I can't, it just keeps saying, no, don't, don't do it that way. You have to do it this way. It's the longer way. It's the harder way. It's the most complicated way. It's not simple. It's not clean. It's not anything that I am. And I am trying very hard to be what I am and embrace

[01:50:19] all that I am for what it is and not be mad about it to just have it be. And so, uh, I leave you with Psalm 46, 10, be still and know I am God. And that is something I think you could remind yourself throughout the week and get a lot of benefit from. Uh, it'll be a meditation of mine as well as, um,

[01:50:49] what I received this past Sunday, uh, from that. It was interesting. And I have someone that I'll be praying for, uh, his name is Jack. He, he presented something that I feel like deserves prayer. So pray for Jack, pray for peace for Jack, pray for his stillness. Uh, I think, I think Psalm 46, 10

[01:51:18] will help him too. Uh, as I hope, hope it'll help all of you. I'm going to work on it. There will probably be not enough stillness, but I'm going to try. I love you listeners. I've talked to your ear off. It has been almost two hours. I can't even believe it, but this is not easy, I guess,

[01:51:41] to articulate all of it. And, uh, I don't, I don't have the ability to make it less at this point. So I guess I'm just going to have it be more, maybe it'll consolidate as time goes on. I don't know, but this feels good right now. So I love you all. God bless. Have a powerful week. And if, uh, God is

[01:52:04] good and he is God willing, I guess is the way to put it. I'll catch you next week. Bye everyone. Thanks for listening. You can find the apprenticeship diaries on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Our IG is the underscore apprenticeship underscore diaries. If you would like to offer constructive criticism or an interview, drop us an email at theapprenticeshipdiaries at gmail.com.

[01:52:32] We look forward to hearing from our listeners.